Paul Tarvydas

Hi Dave

I’m quickly becoming a fan of your writing.  The demo is good, the melody and changes are good.

So, if you don’t mind, let me dig a little deeper.  IMNSHO, the lyrics could make this song great.

0.  The lyrics, as written, blow the punch-line at the very first chorus.  The rest of the song, lyrically, drags - we already know the punch-line, and after that, it’s just repetition.

1.  The stuff that is said in the chorus should be the stuff of the bridge - a big lyrical (story) turn-around and then, wham, the final chorus comes and then gives a new meaning to the chorus.  I’m not saying to use exactly the same lines in the bridge as the chorus - just use the meaning in the bridge - the singer discovers that she’s beautiful to someone, then the whole song changes…

2. So, that means you have to change the chorus.  I’m beautiful to me.  I didn’t think it could be.  Leave “him” thinking she’s beautiful until the bridge.  Then, it takes on a new meaning.

3. You are rhyming in couplets.  Town, down.  Teeth, read.  Day, say.  6 lines.  Varying “stresses” (almost like syllables), keeps the melodic interest up.  But, rhyming in couplets is most often boring.  (Start, stop, start, stop, start, stop).  Mind, kind.  Books, look.  Day, say.

4. The first line doesn’t slay me.  I think the first line should be “Coke bottle glasses, braces on my teeth”.  Then play around with what should follow.  IMO “Wearing threadbare…” should be line 2.  Put the imagery right at the top, so the sup’ has reason to keep listening.

5. Or… swap V2 for V1.  “I tripped in the hall.  You picked up my books”…

6.  Leave “Every time you say, I am beautiful” for the bridge.

7.  IMO, the song is about uncertainty, until the bridge.  Use imperfect rhymes in the verses (uncertain, unstable), then pound it home with perfect rhymes in the bridge.

This is not something you will choose to do to this song - just keep it in mind for next time.

pt

VERSE
I was a bashful girl from the wrong side of the town,
Wearing threadbare sweaters and shoes that were hand-me-downs.
Coke bottle glasses, braces on my teeth,
No good at sports, I would rather sit and read.
The girls made fun of me every day.
I thought I’d never hear anyone say…

CHORUS
I am beautiful. I am beautiful to you.
I am beautiful. You believe it so it’s true.
I know all my faults,
My imperfections, and my flaws.
You make them go away
Every time you say
I am beautiful.

VERSE
You were a handsome boy, with a sensitive mind.
You were popular, athletic, smart, sweet, and kind.
I tripped in the hall. You picked up my books.
I smiled and said thanks. You got this faraway look.
I swear I’ll never forget that day.
That was the first time I heard you say…

CHORUS
I am beautiful. I am beautiful to you.
I am beautiful. You believe it so it’s true.
I know all my faults,
My imperfections, and my flaws.
You make them go away
Every time you say
I am beautiful.

BRIDGE
You love me so that’s how I know
I am beautiful. I am beautiful.

CHORUS
I am beautiful. I am beautiful to you.
I am beautiful. You believe it so it’s true.
I know all my faults,
My imperfections, and my flaws.
You make them go away
Every time you say
I am beautiful.
I am beautiful.

Paul Tarvydas

You do know about B-rhymes.com???