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Title says it all. Growing up on a small island in the Caribbean listening to New Country radio, this is my first attempt with crossover country.
Any and all feedback is welcome.
Paul,
Thank you for taking the time to analyze my song. I’m glad you pointed that out, somehow I managed to skip that in my reviews. They say a song is never finished and can always improve.
Warm regards,
Kevin
November 01, 2015
The hardest thing to do is to critique one’s own songs. I am continuously amazed by the critiques I get and how I could have missed their points.
I hope that this site is about that - getting valuable critiques.
November 04, 2015
No members have liked this comment.
Aside from Paul’s input (which is good), this song is very listenable. Good melody, good groove, good production, I like it.
December 17, 2015
Hey, Kevin! Thanks for posting. I see what’s been said about POV, and I agree totally that you want to pick a POV and stick with it. However, I see that you do transition in the PC with “So I said.” So it makes sense. However, if the listener misses that transition, it could be confusing. But it’s not built incorrectly.
It’s a trick that is used in Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” and other songs. You get to describe her in the verse talking about “her” because describing her TO her would be weird. But then you transition to 1st person POV with the “So I said.” This allows you the commercial/emotional strength of addressing her directly.
I try to keep my songs all one POV and not rely on transitions like this, but they can certainly work. They’re just a little trickier and can be confusing.
The feel, sound, and subject matter is right in the vein of commercial country. I want to encourage you to dig deeper lyrically, though. The “sitting by the lake, sipping beer, feet on the dashboard” stuff is done SO much, that you have to opportunity to stand out by doing something different. Even if it’s the same basic story but you pick out different, fresh images to paint it, your song will be better for it.
Anyway, good work. Thanks for posting- I’d love to hear more!
January 16, 2017
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V1
Just sitting by the lake, sippin’ on some beer, when I saw that girl, swim right up to me, tanned legs, blond hair, she’s a beauty queen.
She looked right at me, and I could see, that she wanted to, get on out of here, jumped in my truck and we hit the road.
PC
She said kick up some dirt, let’s get lost in the woods
So I said
Ch
Baby you look good, sittin’ in shotgun with your two feet on the dashboard
Leaving white lines, we’re going all night, I’m turning on cruise control
Turn up the radio, I wanna hear you sing eyyy ohhh
Memories tonight, washed with moonshine, one hella good time.
V2
Just hittin back roads, that no one knows, roll the windows down, driving me insane. Tank top, cut off jeans, girl you’re everything.
I’ll take you anywhere, where you wanna be, we could hit the clubs, or get some privacy. Moonlight, red wine, just you and me.
PC
You’re smiling at me girl, I can’t get enough.
So I said
Ch
Baby you look good, sittin’ in shotgun with your two feet on the dashboard
Leaving white lines, we’re going all night, I’m turning on cruise control
Turn up the radio, I wanna hear you sing eyyy ohhh
Memories tonight, washed with moonshine, one hella good time.
SOLO
Ch
Baby you look good, sittin’ in shotgun with your two feet on the dashboard
Leaving white lines, we’re going all night, I’m turning on cruise control
Turn up the radio, I wanna hear you sing eyyy ohhh
Memories tonight, washed with moonshine, one hella good time.
1
Pick a POV (point of view) and stick to it. There are only four POV’s, first person direct, first person narrative, second person narrative, third person narrative.
The first line says “... when I saw that girl ...”. That’s first person narrative. The song sticks to that POV through V1 and PC. The singer is telling the “world” what he sees.
But then, in the chorus, the POV changes to first person direct “Baby you look good…”. This is the same mistake that James Blunt makes in “You’re Beautiful”.
Who is talking to whom and why?
My personal feeling is that this song should be first person direct. That means that the first verse needs to be (slightly) rewritten…
Just sitting by the lake, sippin’ on some beer,
when I saw you girl, swim right up to me,
tanned legs, blond hair, you’re a beauty queen.
You wanted to get on out of here,
We jumped in my truck and we hit the road.
AFAICT, V2 is already written in first person direct.
October 31, 2015
1
Paul,
Thank you for taking the time to analyze my song. I’m glad you pointed that out, somehow I managed to skip that in my reviews. They say a song is never finished and can always improve.
Warm regards,
Kevin
November 01, 2015
0
The hardest thing to do is to critique one’s own songs. I am continuously amazed by the critiques I get and how I could have missed their points.
I hope that this site is about that - getting valuable critiques.
November 04, 2015
1
Aside from Paul’s input (which is good), this song is very listenable. Good melody, good groove, good production, I like it.
December 17, 2015
0
Hey, Kevin! Thanks for posting. I see what’s been said about POV, and I agree totally that you want to pick a POV and stick with it. However, I see that you do transition in the PC with “So I said.” So it makes sense. However, if the listener misses that transition, it could be confusing. But it’s not built incorrectly.
It’s a trick that is used in Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dying” and other songs. You get to describe her in the verse talking about “her” because describing her TO her would be weird. But then you transition to 1st person POV with the “So I said.” This allows you the commercial/emotional strength of addressing her directly.
I try to keep my songs all one POV and not rely on transitions like this, but they can certainly work. They’re just a little trickier and can be confusing.
The feel, sound, and subject matter is right in the vein of commercial country. I want to encourage you to dig deeper lyrically, though. The “sitting by the lake, sipping beer, feet on the dashboard” stuff is done SO much, that you have to opportunity to stand out by doing something different. Even if it’s the same basic story but you pick out different, fresh images to paint it, your song will be better for it.
Anyway, good work. Thanks for posting- I’d love to hear more!
January 16, 2017
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Paul Tarvydas
Pick a POV (point of view) and stick to it. There are only four POV’s, first person direct, first person narrative, second person narrative, third person narrative.
The first line says “... when I saw that girl ...”. That’s first person narrative. The song sticks to that POV through V1 and PC. The singer is telling the “world” what he sees.
But then, in the chorus, the POV changes to first person direct “Baby you look good…”. This is the same mistake that James Blunt makes in “You’re Beautiful”.
Who is talking to whom and why?
My personal feeling is that this song should be first person direct. That means that the first verse needs to be (slightly) rewritten…
Just sitting by the lake, sippin’ on some beer,
when I saw you girl, swim right up to me,
tanned legs, blond hair, you’re a beauty queen.
You wanted to get on out of here,
We jumped in my truck and we hit the road.
AFAICT, V2 is already written in first person direct.
October 31, 2015