Sean Kasey

Hey Shaun.  I would be curious to know what the evaluators said… Here are my thoughts:
1. Good melody - it was stuck in my head after only hearing it once.
2. Love the first line - however, it feels like it doesn’t really lead into the next line or tie in with the rest of the song.  I wonder if there is somewhere else you can go with it.  Maybe something about why you took the wrong turns?  Maybe she used to give you directions (or just direction in general)?
3. Completely nitpicky but - in Verse 4 I would try not to repeat the word “feel” - maybe “this house IS as empty as I feel inside” or “this house feels as empty as I DO inside.  Just a personal preference but it seems like the metaphor flows better.
4.  The last (and biggest thing maybe) is that the title/hook somehow doesn’t quite tie in with the rest of the song.  I know it would through off your whole rhyme scheme but maybe learning to live AGAIN?  Nothing’s really coming to mind for what I would do differently but it just feels like there is something else you could do with it to make it stronger.
Hope this helps.  I am brand new to Frettie and a relatively amateur songwriter so take everything with a grain of salt…

Paul Tarvydas

This is good.

The first thing that comes to mind is the production.  It just doesn’t cut it.  Listen to a Willie Nelson song and compare it to this.  Willie’s voice jumps out more, above the guitar.

Lyrically, I feel that POV (point of view) wanders around.  It’s not bad, but it undercuts the song and weakens it.

The song is mostly written about “I”.  But the main line in the chorus, the title, is “When you’re learning to live”.  You’re, not I’m.  It’s just weaker than it could be.

This, to me, is a song that should be written in 2nd-person narrative.  “For No One”, “Like a Rolling Stone”.

Here’s a hasty re-write in 2nd person narrative ...

You took about a hundred wrong turns today
You got to thinking what she used to say
blah, blah, blah
Show her that smile

You closed your eyes, you saw her face
Thought of your best years and drifted away
Yeah you had some good times
They lasted a while

Now, you’ll go out tonight with some of your friends
Spend lots of money that you shouldn’t spend
You’re dying inside, that’s just how it is
When you’re learning to live

You changed your shirt, tried a new style
Fixed a tall drink to last for a while
Picked your guitar
Played some favourite songs

The whiskey kicked in, it worked for a time
Your house feels empty as you feel inside
Cause being with her
Is where you belong

[chorus]

[solo]

[chorus]