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I am a novice songwriter and would like to receive any feedback on the music and lyrics of this song. I am not thin skinned so please be honest.
Hey David, the thing that “jumps out at me” (in your lyrics) is that nothing really jumps out at me. As an example, “living on the street” and “sleeping in my car” are both broad and general (generic) phrases that you hear in news stories about the homeless population, BUT THEY DON’T REALLY SHOW ME (MAKE ME FEEL) WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH! Give me specifics (as an example, for instance, tell me about when you scrounged a pair of shoes out of the drainage ditch, because your last pair of shoes got stolen on the subway). All I am saying is be specific about what you’re dealing with.
btw, I thought the song took the listener inside the singer’s head in the last line when you touched on how easy it is to slip backwards—that line gets the listener’s attention!
Tough and dark subject matter for a song.
Best wishes!
June 12, 2019
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Clean
David Kuncicky
I'm gonna get clean
get it together
live for today
maybe things will get better
There must be more
so give me a sign
show me a window
don't leave me here blind
There is this need
so deep in my soul
that nothing can fill
it's out of control
I see what you mean
I hear what you say
so tell me again
I'll stay out of your way
Chorus:
Living on the street
sleeping in my car
I haven't seen my kids...
for a year or two
how did things go so far
I was flying stoned
what did I do
don't remember a thing
just give me a clue
Don't look so sad
You're breaking my heart
I'm gonna stay clean
I just had a rough start
Chorus:
Living on the street
sleeping in my car
I haven't seen my kids...
for a year or two
how did things go so far
I'm gonna get clean
reach for the sky
start a new life
after one more high
0
David,
Wanting to kick a drug addiction is a desire many face today. That makes your song relevant. And, the singer’s positive emotional attitude is tempered by an awareness that getting “clean” is going to be difficult because there’s always the urge for “one more high.” That makes your song believable.
Making it clear who the singer is singing to and the relationship between them can make this song stronger.
Hope this helps. Great job for tackling a tough subject.
Write on.
March 10, 2019
0
Hey David, the thing that “jumps out at me” (in your lyrics) is that nothing really jumps out at me. As an example, “living on the street” and “sleeping in my car” are both broad and general (generic) phrases that you hear in news stories about the homeless population, BUT THEY DON’T REALLY SHOW ME (MAKE ME FEEL) WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH! Give me specifics (as an example, for instance, tell me about when you scrounged a pair of shoes out of the drainage ditch, because your last pair of shoes got stolen on the subway). All I am saying is be specific about what you’re dealing with.
btw, I thought the song took the listener inside the singer’s head in the last line when you touched on how easy it is to slip backwards—that line gets the listener’s attention!
Tough and dark subject matter for a song.
Best wishes!
June 12, 2019
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Lee Myers
David,
Wanting to kick a drug addiction is a desire many face today. That makes your song relevant. And, the singer’s positive emotional attitude is tempered by an awareness that getting “clean” is going to be difficult because there’s always the urge for “one more high.” That makes your song believable.
Making it clear who the singer is singing to and the relationship between them can make this song stronger.
Hope this helps. Great job for tackling a tough subject.
Write on.
March 10, 2019
No members have liked this comment.