I would LOVE any feedback that you have. Thank you!!
Just some thoughts, personal opinion as always, so take or leave with that in mind!
For me, I really liked imaginary such as “I drove away, you took a plane” - and I wanted the next line to continue that feeling of moving apart, separation, etc. maybe with some visual again - based on the visual of the two moving apart like that, by different forms of transport even (just to emphasize the separation), I was a little let down by “Now I’m in so much pain”
In a similar way, I also found “It’s so unfair” to be a weaker line than the rest of the song. The song is showing us in other places as to how unfair it is, and saying it fell kind of flat for me. Hard to describe, but for me there’s a difference between saying “I miss you” or “Wish we could have stayed together” vs. something that comes across as complaining about missing the person, if that makes sense?
Hope something there is useful, and thank you for sharing the song!
November 27, 2018
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Nice job on your song Sam! I like the vibe of it, and especially like the melody of your chorus, your BGV’s, and the way you sing it.
I live in Los Angeles (Long Beach), but have been to Silver Lake many times.
I agree with Frank, regarding the bridge, but that should be a minor fix, and that’s why we rewrite.
November 29, 2018
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Hi Sam,
Love the chord progression, chords, and melody! Try moving the bridge up in the song and instead of singing “It’s so unfair” at the end, my suggestion is to return to the song title and repeat that instead. Suggest, “here in Silver Lake” and repeat. Better to have an “almost rhyme” than to lose the song title.
Really love the feel of the song!
December 01, 2018
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I really like the melody and the chord progressions. Good compositional craftsmanship. I feel the bridge should lead into the last chorus instead of fading half-heartedly. And I would rather have images making me identify with/feel your sadness than hearing you telling about your misery. Show - don’t tell. But a beautiful tune indeed.
December 01, 2018
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Sitting here in Silver Lake, Thinking ‘bout our good-bye
Sitting here in Silver Lake, On a porch where time doesn’t fly
We went our separate ways
Missing you in Silver Lake, Wonderin’ what you’re doing today
Missing you in Silver Lake, Wishing we both could have stayed
We went our separate ways
You went east. I went west. I miss you more than the rest
I’m out here. You’re back there. It’s so unfair
I drove away. You took a plane
Now I’m in so much pain
I’m out here. You’re back there
It’s so unfair
Walking here in Silver Lake. Thinking maybe I was wrong
Walking here in Silver Lake. Wondering if I'll ever belong
We went our separate ways
You went east. I went west
I miss you I must confess
I’m out here. You’re back there
It’s so unfair
I drove away. You took a plane
Now I’m in so much pain
I’m out here. You’re back there
It’s so unfair
Bridge
You went east. I went west. I miss you more than the rest
I’m out here. You’re back there. It’s so unfair
I drove away. You took a plane. Now I’m in so much pain
I’m out here. You’re back there. It’s so unfair
0
Hi Sam,
I love the melancholic feel of the song - really a nice tune! What throws me off a bit are some lines where I had the feeling that the rhyme was more important than the contend. Try to use some more images. If you re-write those lines, this will be a great song. And a second thing - I’m not sure about your bridge, I had the feeling your song ended with your bridge and then was surprised that the song goes on. Maybe you find a way to integrate the bridge better into the song. Keep on working on this!
November 26, 2018
0
Just some thoughts, personal opinion as always, so take or leave with that in mind!
For me, I really liked imaginary such as “I drove away, you took a plane” - and I wanted the next line to continue that feeling of moving apart, separation, etc. maybe with some visual again - based on the visual of the two moving apart like that, by different forms of transport even (just to emphasize the separation), I was a little let down by “Now I’m in so much pain”
In a similar way, I also found “It’s so unfair” to be a weaker line than the rest of the song. The song is showing us in other places as to how unfair it is, and saying it fell kind of flat for me. Hard to describe, but for me there’s a difference between saying “I miss you” or “Wish we could have stayed together” vs. something that comes across as complaining about missing the person, if that makes sense?
Hope something there is useful, and thank you for sharing the song!
November 27, 2018
0
Nice job on your song Sam! I like the vibe of it, and especially like the melody of your chorus, your BGV’s, and the way you sing it.
I live in Los Angeles (Long Beach), but have been to Silver Lake many times.
I agree with Frank, regarding the bridge, but that should be a minor fix, and that’s why we rewrite.
November 29, 2018
0
Hi Sam,
Love the chord progression, chords, and melody! Try moving the bridge up in the song and instead of singing “It’s so unfair” at the end, my suggestion is to return to the song title and repeat that instead. Suggest, “here in Silver Lake” and repeat. Better to have an “almost rhyme” than to lose the song title.
Really love the feel of the song!
December 01, 2018
0
I really like the melody and the chord progressions. Good compositional craftsmanship. I feel the bridge should lead into the last chorus instead of fading half-heartedly. And I would rather have images making me identify with/feel your sadness than hearing you telling about your misery. Show - don’t tell. But a beautiful tune indeed.
December 01, 2018
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Frank Renfordt
Hi Sam,
I love the melancholic feel of the song - really a nice tune! What throws me off a bit are some lines where I had the feeling that the rhyme was more important than the contend. Try to use some more images. If you re-write those lines, this will be a great song. And a second thing - I’m not sure about your bridge, I had the feeling your song ended with your bridge and then was surprised that the song goes on. Maybe you find a way to integrate the bridge better into the song. Keep on working on this!
November 26, 2018
No members have liked this comment.