Join The Community

Connect, showcase, get feedback and grow as a songwriter. Join the Frettie community today!

Hey Girl

Frank Renfordt

November 25, 2018

Genre: Pop

More by Frank


Likes

Our Sponsors

Learn the art, craft & business of songwriting from hit songwriter, Brent Baxter!

Likes:

Views: 120

Responses: 6




Share

Report

About This Song


This is a simple Pop song with a catchy chorus.
Is it worth working on it further?
What do you think?

Feedback Requested


Any


6 Responses


Brent Baxter

Hi, Frank!
I think the song could be worth some more work.  I like that it’s positive, love, etc.

However, I’d take another look at the phrasing & melody in the verses- see if you can add a few surprises.  And my ear wanted to hear the hook again at the end of the chorus.  It’d be nice if there’s a way to get back to that.

Hope that helps.  Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song.  Doesn’t have to be in-depth or authoritative- just your thoughts.  The best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback, after all!  Thanks!

November 28, 2018

Reid Yamamoto

Hi Frank,

I LOVE the chorus melody and lyrics! I think it’s working on further. I don’t even care what you are saying/singing on the verses, I kept waiting for the chorus to come back LOL.

Awesome job!

November 29, 2018

Reid Yamamoto

No way to edit that I can see….I meant, “I think it’s worth working on further.”

November 29, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Roger Storrud

Nice tune. I would have shortened at least the second verse. takes too long to get to the chorus for me. Or change the chords in the second half of the choruses and keep the melody. Maybe end the pre-chorus with a power chord (V7)?

December 01, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Frank Renfordt

Brett, Reid and Roger I really appreciate your comments - thank you so much for listening. I’m working on the song, I have changed the chorus a bit with an ‘hey girl’ in the last line and I’ve skipped three lines of the second verse. Roger - you are right, it takes too long to the second chorus.
I guess I will demo the song - maybe as a contemporary Country-Pop song you will find it here someday again.

December 02, 2018

Haydee Ahrens

I think it needs some more variation in melody and lyrics but I like the concept. It’s very sweet and has blissful elements but just wondering if there is a way to make it incorporate more expressions of yearning. I mean, this is unrequited love.

December 12, 2018

No members have liked this comment.


You must be signed in to post feedback.


1

Brent Baxter

Hi, Frank!
I think the song could be worth some more work.  I like that it’s positive, love, etc.

However, I’d take another look at the phrasing & melody in the verses- see if you can add a few surprises.  And my ear wanted to hear the hook again at the end of the chorus.  It’d be nice if there’s a way to get back to that.

Hope that helps.  Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song.  Doesn’t have to be in-depth or authoritative- just your thoughts.  The best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback, after all!  Thanks!

November 28, 2018

1

Reid Yamamoto

Hi Frank,

I LOVE the chorus melody and lyrics! I think it’s working on further. I don’t even care what you are saying/singing on the verses, I kept waiting for the chorus to come back LOL.

Awesome job!

November 29, 2018

0

Reid Yamamoto

No way to edit that I can see….I meant, “I think it’s worth working on further.”

November 29, 2018

0

Roger Storrud

Nice tune. I would have shortened at least the second verse. takes too long to get to the chorus for me. Or change the chords in the second half of the choruses and keep the melody. Maybe end the pre-chorus with a power chord (V7)?

December 01, 2018

1

Frank Renfordt

Brett, Reid and Roger I really appreciate your comments - thank you so much for listening. I’m working on the song, I have changed the chorus a bit with an ‘hey girl’ in the last line and I’ve skipped three lines of the second verse. Roger - you are right, it takes too long to the second chorus.
I guess I will demo the song - maybe as a contemporary Country-Pop song you will find it here someday again.

December 02, 2018

0

Haydee Ahrens

I think it needs some more variation in melody and lyrics but I like the concept. It’s very sweet and has blissful elements but just wondering if there is a way to make it incorporate more expressions of yearning. I mean, this is unrequited love.

December 12, 2018


Hey Girl

She caught my eye
She caught my heart
When I saw her waiting there for the bus
I was magnetized
and couldn‘t look away
while painting a picture of us
But I was a shy guy
and not a fly-boy back then
and I missed the chance to risk everything, to say

Hey girl
Won’t you be my girl
I show you my world
If you show me yours I'll dare to dive in
Let me take your hand
Let me be your friend
let’s go to a place we’ve never been

A year goes by
and I see her again
waiting in line for a Coldplay Show
my heart 's beating fast
I get a second chance
have to give it a try and don‘t let go
and it feels like sky diving the first time
When I’m putting my whole heart on the line, saying

Hey girl
Won’t you be my girl
I show you my world
If you show me yours I'll dare to dive in
Let me take your hand
Let me be your friend
let’s go to a place we’ve never been

and when she starts smiling I can hear myself saying again

Hey girl
Won’t you be my girl
I show you my world
If you show me yours I'll dare to dive in
Let me take your hand
Let me be your friend
let’s go to a place we’ve never been
Let it begin
Just be my girl

×