Bob Abner

1) Nice sweet idea for a song (child’s point-of-view), and because of that you “build up good will from the listener,” and I started paying closer attention (and going back and started listening all over again).

2) I think your voice is a nice match for the lyrics in the chorus (tender and sweet).

3) Music (both melody and chords) shortly start to be a little monotonous.

4) Starting with the second verse (“It’s where just last week, I beat my best friend, in a front yard dash” and “my sister’s Walmart pool”) the lyrics feel a little “awkward” to sing (has to do with the meter and which syllables are accented/unaccented). The lyrics often feel stilted and rhythmically awkward. It might be beneficial for you to do a little studying of “prosody.”

5) I have a feeling that studying some music theory (with a GOOD teacher) might breathe a little more creativity into your songs, musically speaking.

In spite of some things that felt a little “problematic” about your song, I liked the idea, but felt a little dissatisfied with your “execution” of your idea.

Best wishes in all your future musical endeavors!

Bobby Davis

Thanks for being critical Bob.  The intent was to capture the sentiment from a kids perspective.  To sing what they place value on.  My co-writer (Elliot Didur) sang the song and did the melody.  He is quite an accomplished musician.  Google him. Thanks again for your comments. I will continue to strive to write better songs.

Frank Renfordt

Hi Bobby,
I love the first verse and the chorus. However I think the chorus could be even better if you not just repeat the same lines over and over again.
You are loosing me a bit with the second verse. You’ve changed the rhythm of the lyric and it doesn’t flow in the same way as it did in the first verse. I think Bob already explained it. It’s a nice idea and many good things are going on here, not too much to change to make it sound real good. Think about a re-write.