This song is about one of the negative consequences of addiction -- going to jail.
I welcome any and all feedback + or -
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Hi Bob, thank you for your detailed feedback. Those chord changes were just the original ones I wrote, and can’t say they are so innovative, but did the trick with the lyrics for those verse parts.
Thank you for your in-depth feedback, and yes, there is personal truth to that song.
August 18, 2018
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Hi Reid, this song could work as a Rock song, but then it should rock - three chords are okay, ACDC don’t need more than that. The drums are much too gentle and the guitars sound too thin, the vocals too good and too much in the front. I like the intro, that is pretty cool.
August 19, 2018
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Hi Frank, thank you for taking a listen and for your detailed feedback. The three chords fit the lyrics and what I wanted it to sound like, so I’m glad you agree and mentioned AC/DC.
The track I posted here is version 1.0 of the song, and it has not been produced properly yet. The drums are too busy and didn’t even notice the “too gentle” sound.
The guitar tracks will be much better, fuller, and the overall mix will be improved 10x.
But I agree, I think it should rock harder, and my original version when I wrote it, rocked the way I heard it in my head.
I will post version 2.0 when we get it done.
Thanks again, and I’m trying to up my game and learn from you and the other amazing writers/arrangers/producers here.
August 19, 2018
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I should not be laughing, but I am. > ) This Song should be on Broadway or cut somehow. Excellent descriptions. Good structure, flow, and variation in melody. This could be on that show Orange is the New Black.
August 29, 2018
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Hi Haydee, thank you for your listen, and for your very positive feedback! I love that show, “Orange is the New Black,” and as a former alcoholic and dope fiend, I have spent approx. 1.5 years of my life locked up.
This song is based on my personal experience in LA County Jail, and everyone who has heard it who has done time there, loves it, and says it’s the real deal.
Thank you again!
August 29, 2018
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Shackled on the bus, coming back from the court.
The judge gave me 90 in the "county resort."
Herded like cattle,
“Keep your face to the wall!"
Did the strip-search, squat and cough dance in the hall.
Put all my clothes in a plastic bag.
Made me wear a wristband and the County-blue rags.
Lock us in the showers six to a spout.
Leave us there for hours, “Come on, let us out!”
Chorus 1
It's a sad story, don't know where to begin
Once I take that first one, it's the way it ends
Thought this time was different,
but it's always the same,
now I'm stuck in county again.
They ask me at the window: "Do I wanna slit my wrists?
Do I hear voices? Do I have any cysts?"
I lay in a holding cell 30 guys deep.
One eye open,
While I try to sleep.
It's been 12 hours,
now we head to the dorms.
Ninety two hundred,
"Cool, I've been here before."
We walk in the dorm,
To shouts of “New fish!”
“Paisa, Wood, Sureño? You speak English?”
Chorus 2
It's a sad story, don't know where to begin
Once I take that first one, it's the way it ends
Thought this time was different,
but it's always the same,
now I'm stuck in county again.
Bridge
It's sad when the only rest that I get,
Is when the judge says “It's over, You haven't learned yet.”
It's sad when I know so many people in here.
Even the deputies say, “Look who's here.”
I sleep for four days
eat like I've never seen food,
even though that slop's so bad they ought to be sued.
I beg my bunkie for some hot skins crumbs,
"What’s my life come to? I eat worse than bums."
Repeat Chorus 3X (It’s a sad, sad story," layered vocals starting on 3rd chorus)
0
Timely, as I just yesterday took a neighbor lady to visit (supervised, of course) her son, who is in a recovery program. Good thing: some nice evocative mental pictures in the lyrics. Negative stuff (POSSIBLY): really rough situations portrayed lyrically, but the music seemed (maybe) a little “superficial” (B-flat—> C—> G repeated a bunch of times, and so my question was: Does this lead listener to sort of blow off the seriousness (and sadness) of “addiction incarceration”—or is it more along the lines of “I just keep banging my head against this same weakness of mine” which fits right in with “banging my ears against these same three chords” HA!!! I don’t know the answer to that question. As a general rule, the song didn’t necessarily grab my attention musically, but then I’m not sure if that needs to happen (with this type of song)—incarceration DEFINITELY can lead to some “head-banging” HA!!!—Hope this makes sense, Reid! Also noted some off-hand humor (maybe even unintentional)—btw, if there’s some personal truth to this song, TELL MY FRIENDS AND RELATIVES I SAID “HI”!!! HA!!! All in all, a little thought provoking, and slightly unsettling (for reasons mentioned above).
August 16, 2018
0
Hi Bob, thank you for your detailed feedback. Those chord changes were just the original ones I wrote, and can’t say they are so innovative, but did the trick with the lyrics for those verse parts.
Thank you for your in-depth feedback, and yes, there is personal truth to that song.
August 18, 2018
0
Hi Reid, this song could work as a Rock song, but then it should rock - three chords are okay, ACDC don’t need more than that. The drums are much too gentle and the guitars sound too thin, the vocals too good and too much in the front. I like the intro, that is pretty cool.
August 19, 2018
0
Hi Frank, thank you for taking a listen and for your detailed feedback. The three chords fit the lyrics and what I wanted it to sound like, so I’m glad you agree and mentioned AC/DC.
The track I posted here is version 1.0 of the song, and it has not been produced properly yet. The drums are too busy and didn’t even notice the “too gentle” sound.
The guitar tracks will be much better, fuller, and the overall mix will be improved 10x.
But I agree, I think it should rock harder, and my original version when I wrote it, rocked the way I heard it in my head.
I will post version 2.0 when we get it done.
Thanks again, and I’m trying to up my game and learn from you and the other amazing writers/arrangers/producers here.
August 19, 2018
0
I should not be laughing, but I am. > ) This Song should be on Broadway or cut somehow. Excellent descriptions. Good structure, flow, and variation in melody. This could be on that show Orange is the New Black.
August 29, 2018
0
Hi Haydee, thank you for your listen, and for your very positive feedback! I love that show, “Orange is the New Black,” and as a former alcoholic and dope fiend, I have spent approx. 1.5 years of my life locked up.
This song is based on my personal experience in LA County Jail, and everyone who has heard it who has done time there, loves it, and says it’s the real deal.
Thank you again!
August 29, 2018
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Bob Abner
Timely, as I just yesterday took a neighbor lady to visit (supervised, of course) her son, who is in a recovery program. Good thing: some nice evocative mental pictures in the lyrics. Negative stuff (POSSIBLY): really rough situations portrayed lyrically, but the music seemed (maybe) a little “superficial” (B-flat—> C—> G repeated a bunch of times, and so my question was: Does this lead listener to sort of blow off the seriousness (and sadness) of “addiction incarceration”—or is it more along the lines of “I just keep banging my head against this same weakness of mine” which fits right in with “banging my ears against these same three chords” HA!!! I don’t know the answer to that question. As a general rule, the song didn’t necessarily grab my attention musically, but then I’m not sure if that needs to happen (with this type of song)—incarceration DEFINITELY can lead to some “head-banging” HA!!!—Hope this makes sense, Reid! Also noted some off-hand humor (maybe even unintentional)—btw, if there’s some personal truth to this song, TELL MY FRIENDS AND RELATIVES I SAID “HI”!!! HA!!! All in all, a little thought provoking, and slightly unsettling (for reasons mentioned above).
August 16, 2018
No members have liked this comment.