Rough track which is on my list of songs to produce soon. It's about a breakup with a serious girlfriend who starts acting distant and cold, and the male character is not sure why at first.
Who’s The Matter With You?
I saw you in the aisle today.
I wandered over just to say, “Hey.”
You smiled half-heartedly,
You didn’t have much to say.
You spoke too carefully,
So polite you were killing me,
The two of us acting like strangers...
Then it dawned on me.
Chorus 1
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance
Maybe this would still be my dance
I know you way too well.
Who’s the matter with you?
Been awhile since we went our ways.
It happened so fast,
It’s all just a haze,
The two of us acting like school kids.
Our love was ablaze.
You know I’ve tried to stay away.
My thoughts won’t always obey.
I wonder if your heart’s still healing,
Seems you’re more than okay.
Chorus 2
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance.
Maybe this would still be my dance.
I know you way too well,
Who’s the matter with you?
Bridge
I know we have to move on,
Stop hurting about the past.
What could have been?
What might have been?
It’s really pointless to ask
I know you way too well,
and I’m sadder than you.
Guitar Solo
I know it’s not my place.
I’ve got to give you your space.
Can’t bear the thought in my mind:
"Have I been replaced?"
Chorus 3
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance.
Maybe this would still be my dance.
I know you way too well,
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Any and all feedback, good, bad, or ugly is appreciated.
Interesting title—Generally a little too rambling/meandering for my taste.
August 13, 2018
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Thank you for the feedback Frank and Bob. Frank when you say the “lyrics are a bit plain,” do you mean due to lack of imagery? Or do you just find them boring and uninteresting? I think a sax would sound great on this song too, and this is obviously just a scratch track, I will have it produced by some A players in LA, and will get the to find me a killer sax player to play on it.
Bob, I appreciate your feedback and try to tighten it up.
August 14, 2018
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Reid, I’m sorry for my undifferentiated remark, I don’t like that myself. I think your idea is good, but the lyric lacks emotional depth. You can make the lyric stronger if you show us how much it hurts to realize that she has found someone else and that all hope is gone to get her back. Try to find some images, things you remember, staff you still have from her or something like that. Most important - make us cry! (I know that’s easier said then done, but that’s the fun side of giving feedback). CHEERS
August 14, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
Hi Frank, thank you, and what you said makes total sense and is often my weakness in developing my songs. I come up with what I think is a great hook, develop the melody for it, the chord progression, then build the verses from there, often not giving them enough attention. I will rewrite with your ideas in mind and make you cry!
LOL on the fun side of giving feedback, and so true!
August 15, 2018
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I don’t know Reid, it’s nice but I hope you don’t mind me saying that it needs more of a story….you know that writer’s rule, “don’t tell me, show me.” Show us so that we can feel what the singer is feeling. You have a great start but more development of the lyrics (perhaps through story) would sure help with the emotional content of this song. Good luck, post it again after you’ve worked through it…best wishes!
August 15, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
Thank you Dori, and yes, I agree with your and Frank’s feedback. This is one of my main weaknesses, and when I listen to you, Frank, Brent, and the other great writers here, I can clearly see the differences in my songs and yours.
I’m working with Brent on a weekly basis now, and I’ve shared with him I need help in this area. I tend to write the hook/chorus and get it sounding right, and slap together the verses because I so badly want to get an initial version of the song finished. I’m sure you can relate to that.
This is version one of the song, and more versions to come.
August 15, 2018
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Frank, great idea with the saxophone. I think this one is tricky. For me, a bit more variation in melody would help or harmonies. The song did bum me out a bit but it also frustrated me. I don’t understand people who don’t explain things or give some type of closure. I don’t know if that helps.
August 29, 2018
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Hi Haydee, Thank you for the listen and detailed feedback. I will try to create more variation in the melody or bolster the track with better harmonies…it’s really a very rough track at this point to document the idea and get feedback.
Interesting that it bummed you out a bit, and it is not really the woman’s fault in this story, it is the main character who is having trouble dealing with the idea that he suspects his ex GF has a new man in her life, and is the reason she’s acting a bit stand-offish.
Thank you again.
August 29, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
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This song is about a breakup with a serious girlfriend who starts acting distant and cold, and not sure why at first.
Note: This track needs work, but put it in Spotlight to get feedback before I work on it.
Who’s The Matter With You?
I saw you in the aisle today.
I wandered over just to say, “Hey.”
You smiled half-heartedly,
You didn’t have much to say.
You spoke too carefully,
So polite you were killing me,
The two of us acting like strangers...
Then it dawned on me.
Chorus 1
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance
Maybe this would still be my dance
I know you way too well.
Who’s the matter with you?
Been awhile since we went our ways.
It happened so fast,
It’s all just a haze,
The two of us acting like school kids.
Our love was ablaze.
You know I’ve tried to stay away.
My thoughts won’t always obey.
I wonder if your heart’s still healing,
Seems you’re more than okay.
Chorus 2
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance.
Maybe this would still be my dance.
I know you way too well,
Who’s the matter with you?
Bridge
I know we have to move on,
Stop hurting about the past.
What could have been?
What might have been?
It’s really pointless to ask
I know you way too well,
and I’m sadder than you.
Guitar Solo
I know it’s not my place.
I’ve got to give you your space.
Can’t bear the thought in my mind:
"Have I been replaced?"
Chorus 3
Who’s the matter with you?
Have you really found someone new?
I should have held you when I had my chance.
Maybe this would still be my dance.
I know you way too well,
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
Who’s the matter with you?
1
Hey Reid, your song has a nice Pop/Soul feel, reminds me a bit to SIMPLY RED. A saxophone would be a good fit to play some fills and maybe the solo. The lyric is a bit plain and could use some tweaks.
August 12, 2018
0
Interesting title—Generally a little too rambling/meandering for my taste.
August 13, 2018
0
Thank you for the feedback Frank and Bob. Frank when you say the “lyrics are a bit plain,” do you mean due to lack of imagery? Or do you just find them boring and uninteresting? I think a sax would sound great on this song too, and this is obviously just a scratch track, I will have it produced by some A players in LA, and will get the to find me a killer sax player to play on it.
Bob, I appreciate your feedback and try to tighten it up.
August 14, 2018
0
Reid, I’m sorry for my undifferentiated remark, I don’t like that myself. I think your idea is good, but the lyric lacks emotional depth. You can make the lyric stronger if you show us how much it hurts to realize that she has found someone else and that all hope is gone to get her back. Try to find some images, things you remember, staff you still have from her or something like that. Most important - make us cry! (I know that’s easier said then done, but that’s the fun side of giving feedback). CHEERS
August 14, 2018
0
Hi Frank, thank you, and what you said makes total sense and is often my weakness in developing my songs. I come up with what I think is a great hook, develop the melody for it, the chord progression, then build the verses from there, often not giving them enough attention. I will rewrite with your ideas in mind and make you cry!
LOL on the fun side of giving feedback, and so true!
August 15, 2018
0
I don’t know Reid, it’s nice but I hope you don’t mind me saying that it needs more of a story….you know that writer’s rule, “don’t tell me, show me.” Show us so that we can feel what the singer is feeling. You have a great start but more development of the lyrics (perhaps through story) would sure help with the emotional content of this song. Good luck, post it again after you’ve worked through it…best wishes!
August 15, 2018
0
Thank you Dori, and yes, I agree with your and Frank’s feedback. This is one of my main weaknesses, and when I listen to you, Frank, Brent, and the other great writers here, I can clearly see the differences in my songs and yours.
I’m working with Brent on a weekly basis now, and I’ve shared with him I need help in this area. I tend to write the hook/chorus and get it sounding right, and slap together the verses because I so badly want to get an initial version of the song finished. I’m sure you can relate to that.
This is version one of the song, and more versions to come.
August 15, 2018
0
Frank, great idea with the saxophone. I think this one is tricky. For me, a bit more variation in melody would help or harmonies. The song did bum me out a bit but it also frustrated me. I don’t understand people who don’t explain things or give some type of closure. I don’t know if that helps.
August 29, 2018
0
Hi Haydee, Thank you for the listen and detailed feedback. I will try to create more variation in the melody or bolster the track with better harmonies…it’s really a very rough track at this point to document the idea and get feedback.
Interesting that it bummed you out a bit, and it is not really the woman’s fault in this story, it is the main character who is having trouble dealing with the idea that he suspects his ex GF has a new man in her life, and is the reason she’s acting a bit stand-offish.
Thank you again.
August 29, 2018
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Frank Renfordt
Hey Reid, your song has a nice Pop/Soul feel, reminds me a bit to SIMPLY RED. A saxophone would be a good fit to play some fills and maybe the solo. The lyric is a bit plain and could use some tweaks.
August 12, 2018