rough draft of lyric -- is it worth putting polish on?
Hey Jolene, cool song idea and title! I’m just another songwriter so my suggestions/feedback are just opinions. I was drawn to this song by the title, like Brent said, very intriguing.
Reading through your verses and chorus you have a lot of cool ideas here, but you might be able to find some stronger rhyme schemes like Brent suggested.
In verse 1, for example you could try something like this:
To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
Underneath the icy feeling
Is a fire burning still
It’s just a suggestion, and I know it’s not perfect, but the idea is that the same way you connected chill and still, you could connect reeling with feeling, just a thought.
Also, with your chorus, your hook is the golden ticket of your song, so finding ways to highlight or maximize it, you could try something like this:
I see it in your eyes
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
Again, just a suggestion, but the line itself is cool, and especially in pop music, repetition of the hook is one way to add melodic pizzazz to the song.
I hope any of that gobbledygook I just wrote helps, lol. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing your song!
May 18, 2018
Hi Jolene - you also “got me” with the title as well I love the concept and I’m wondering if you have a melody in mind?
May 30, 2018
Thank you all for the feedback. I need to take the time to rewrite. Writing is rewriting, right?
Dave, I took music theory in high school more than 20 years ago. I never really figured out how to take the dry theory lessons and turn them into a memorable song. I am reviewing some theory now, but still don’t feel able to string two notes together and make them sound good. I guess I need a cowriter.
June 02, 2018
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Like everyone else so far, I like the title (jumping off point for a song)—my critique would be: If you’re thinking of this as potentially a SONG (which I assume you are, since this is a “songwriting site), then the (seeming) rules for song LYRICS would be 1) tighten up (pay more attention to) rhyme schemes (similar to the comments that others have made), and 2) tighten up the METER of your lyrics, because (generally) rhythm is the most basic/essential music of element, both the rhythm of the vocals and musical background, and also the inherent rhythm of the lyrical meter (things such as iambic pentameter, etc.)—as an example (first verse), “overcome with chill” and “a fire that burns still”—the first line has 5 syllables, whereas the second line has only 4 (“a” does not count, as it’s going to be a “pickup” into “fire” (the “downbeat”)—first line reads (spoken accents “O-ver-COME with CHILL”—second line reads “a FIRE that burns out” (I’m not sure that the line “orally” reads with any inherent “meter.” Anyway, that’s just an example. One thing that seems to help me with inherently paying attention to internal meter in lines (and overall in my songs) is to underline the downbeats of each musical measure in a song when I write (type) the lyrics—this always seems to be helpful in forcing you to write lyrics that “musically sing better.” One last thought: my sense it that your verses should be twice as long (at least in earlier verses, though sometimes you can get away with a shorter last verse [as it may be used to quickly get you back into the final chorus(es)]. Anyway, hope this helps (makes sense), and best of luck.
July 23, 2018
No members have liked this comment.
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Fire in the Ice
Verse:
To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
But the ice concealed a fire,
A fire that burns still.
Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?
Verse:
Ice is only a veneer
Shell worn o'er her heart
But the fire she hides below
Can eat you up alive.
Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?
Verse:
The salt in the tears you shed
Begins to melt through
Does the fire within your soul
Match her fire concealed?
Bridge:
Kiss, Kiss
Sparks fly, Ooh...
Sparks fly, Ooh...
There's fire inside the ice
The ice . . . The ice . . . The ice . . .
Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?
2
Hi, Jolene! Thanks for sharing your lyric with us! Now, I’m not a pop guy, but I have a few thoughts. First of all, I like the title. It’s cool, and it makes me curious what the song does with it.
In Verse 2, you depart from your rhyme scheme (heart/alive). In Verse 1, you set up an ABCB scheme, so the “heart” and “alive” lines should rhyme. This break from the pattern (without a compelling reason) is going to throw the listener. You want to keep your rhymes tight. You did the same thing in Verse 3.
I’d also try to keep your words a little more conversational. “Veneer” “insurmountable” “dare you” aren’t real conversational. Part of it depends on your particular artistry. But this strikes me as more of a fun pop song than an artsy pop song (nothing wrong with either one). So you want your language to fit your audience, and keep it simple.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. You don’t have to break down the whole song- just mention something you like or a thought on how it can be better. Or just offer some encouragement. Thanks!
May 15, 2018
2
Hey Jolene, cool song idea and title! I’m just another songwriter so my suggestions/feedback are just opinions. I was drawn to this song by the title, like Brent said, very intriguing.
Reading through your verses and chorus you have a lot of cool ideas here, but you might be able to find some stronger rhyme schemes like Brent suggested.
In verse 1, for example you could try something like this:
To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
Underneath the icy feeling
Is a fire burning still
It’s just a suggestion, and I know it’s not perfect, but the idea is that the same way you connected chill and still, you could connect reeling with feeling, just a thought.
Also, with your chorus, your hook is the golden ticket of your song, so finding ways to highlight or maximize it, you could try something like this:
I see it in your eyes
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
Again, just a suggestion, but the line itself is cool, and especially in pop music, repetition of the hook is one way to add melodic pizzazz to the song.
I hope any of that gobbledygook I just wrote helps, lol. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing your song!
May 18, 2018
1
Hi Jolene - you also “got me” with the title as well I love the concept and I’m wondering if you have a melody in mind?
May 30, 2018
0
Thank you all for the feedback. I need to take the time to rewrite. Writing is rewriting, right?
Dave, I took music theory in high school more than 20 years ago. I never really figured out how to take the dry theory lessons and turn them into a memorable song. I am reviewing some theory now, but still don’t feel able to string two notes together and make them sound good. I guess I need a cowriter.
June 02, 2018
0
Like everyone else so far, I like the title (jumping off point for a song)—my critique would be: If you’re thinking of this as potentially a SONG (which I assume you are, since this is a “songwriting site), then the (seeming) rules for song LYRICS would be 1) tighten up (pay more attention to) rhyme schemes (similar to the comments that others have made), and 2) tighten up the METER of your lyrics, because (generally) rhythm is the most basic/essential music of element, both the rhythm of the vocals and musical background, and also the inherent rhythm of the lyrical meter (things such as iambic pentameter, etc.)—as an example (first verse), “overcome with chill” and “a fire that burns still”—the first line has 5 syllables, whereas the second line has only 4 (“a” does not count, as it’s going to be a “pickup” into “fire” (the “downbeat”)—first line reads (spoken accents “O-ver-COME with CHILL”—second line reads “a FIRE that burns out” (I’m not sure that the line “orally” reads with any inherent “meter.” Anyway, that’s just an example. One thing that seems to help me with inherently paying attention to internal meter in lines (and overall in my songs) is to underline the downbeats of each musical measure in a song when I write (type) the lyrics—this always seems to be helpful in forcing you to write lyrics that “musically sing better.” One last thought: my sense it that your verses should be twice as long (at least in earlier verses, though sometimes you can get away with a shorter last verse [as it may be used to quickly get you back into the final chorus(es)]. Anyway, hope this helps (makes sense), and best of luck.
July 23, 2018
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Brent Baxter
Hi, Jolene! Thanks for sharing your lyric with us! Now, I’m not a pop guy, but I have a few thoughts. First of all, I like the title. It’s cool, and it makes me curious what the song does with it.
In Verse 2, you depart from your rhyme scheme (heart/alive). In Verse 1, you set up an ABCB scheme, so the “heart” and “alive” lines should rhyme. This break from the pattern (without a compelling reason) is going to throw the listener. You want to keep your rhymes tight. You did the same thing in Verse 3.
I’d also try to keep your words a little more conversational. “Veneer” “insurmountable” “dare you” aren’t real conversational. Part of it depends on your particular artistry. But this strikes me as more of a fun pop song than an artsy pop song (nothing wrong with either one). So you want your language to fit your audience, and keep it simple.
Hope that helps! Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. You don’t have to break down the whole song- just mention something you like or a thought on how it can be better. Or just offer some encouragement. Thanks!
May 15, 2018