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Fire in The Ice

Jolene Cheyney

May 13, 2018

Genre: Pop

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Responses: 4




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rough draft of lyric -- is it worth putting polish on?


4 Responses


Brent Baxter

Hi, Jolene!  Thanks for sharing your lyric with us!  Now, I’m not a pop guy, but I have a few thoughts.  First of all, I like the title.  It’s cool, and it makes me curious what the song does with it.

In Verse 2, you depart from your rhyme scheme (heart/alive).  In Verse 1, you set up an ABCB scheme, so the “heart” and “alive” lines should rhyme.  This break from the pattern (without a compelling reason) is going to throw the listener.  You want to keep your rhymes tight.  You did the same thing in Verse 3.

I’d also try to keep your words a little more conversational.  “Veneer” “insurmountable” “dare you” aren’t real conversational.  Part of it depends on your particular artistry.  But this strikes me as more of a fun pop song than an artsy pop song (nothing wrong with either one).  So you want your language to fit your audience, and keep it simple.

Hope that helps!  Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song.  You don’t have to break down the whole song- just mention something you like or a thought on how it can be better.  Or just offer some encouragement.  Thanks!

May 15, 2018

Kris Krumal

Hey Jolene, cool song idea and title! I’m just another songwriter so my suggestions/feedback are just opinions. I was drawn to this song by the title, like Brent said, very intriguing.

Reading through your verses and chorus you have a lot of cool ideas here, but you might be able to find some stronger rhyme schemes like Brent suggested.

In verse 1, for example you could try something like this:

To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
Underneath the icy feeling
Is a fire burning still

It’s just a suggestion, and I know it’s not perfect, but the idea is that the same way you connected chill and still, you could connect reeling with feeling, just a thought.

Also, with your chorus, your hook is the golden ticket of your song, so finding ways to highlight or maximize it, you could try something like this:

I see it in your eyes
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice

Again, just a suggestion, but the line itself is cool, and especially in pop music, repetition of the hook is one way to add melodic pizzazz to the song.

I hope any of that gobbledygook I just wrote helps, lol. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing your song!

May 18, 2018

dave freeman

Hi Jolene - you also “got me” with the title as well grin I love the concept and I’m wondering if you have a melody in mind?

May 30, 2018

Jolene Cheyney

Thank you all for the feedback.  I need to take the time to rewrite.  Writing is rewriting, right?

Dave, I took music theory in high school more than 20 years ago.  I never really figured out how to take the dry theory lessons and turn them into a memorable song.  I am reviewing some theory now, but still don’t feel able to string two notes together and make them sound good.  I guess I need a cowriter.

June 02, 2018

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2

Brent Baxter

Hi, Jolene!  Thanks for sharing your lyric with us!  Now, I’m not a pop guy, but I have a few thoughts.  First of all, I like the title.  It’s cool, and it makes me curious what the song does with it.

In Verse 2, you depart from your rhyme scheme (heart/alive).  In Verse 1, you set up an ABCB scheme, so the “heart” and “alive” lines should rhyme.  This break from the pattern (without a compelling reason) is going to throw the listener.  You want to keep your rhymes tight.  You did the same thing in Verse 3.

I’d also try to keep your words a little more conversational.  “Veneer” “insurmountable” “dare you” aren’t real conversational.  Part of it depends on your particular artistry.  But this strikes me as more of a fun pop song than an artsy pop song (nothing wrong with either one).  So you want your language to fit your audience, and keep it simple.

Hope that helps!  Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song.  You don’t have to break down the whole song- just mention something you like or a thought on how it can be better.  Or just offer some encouragement.  Thanks!

May 15, 2018

2

Kris Krumal

Hey Jolene, cool song idea and title! I’m just another songwriter so my suggestions/feedback are just opinions. I was drawn to this song by the title, like Brent said, very intriguing.

Reading through your verses and chorus you have a lot of cool ideas here, but you might be able to find some stronger rhyme schemes like Brent suggested.

In verse 1, for example you could try something like this:

To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
Underneath the icy feeling
Is a fire burning still

It’s just a suggestion, and I know it’s not perfect, but the idea is that the same way you connected chill and still, you could connect reeling with feeling, just a thought.

Also, with your chorus, your hook is the golden ticket of your song, so finding ways to highlight or maximize it, you could try something like this:

I see it in your eyes
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice
The fire in the ice

Again, just a suggestion, but the line itself is cool, and especially in pop music, repetition of the hook is one way to add melodic pizzazz to the song.

I hope any of that gobbledygook I just wrote helps, lol. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing your song!

May 18, 2018

1

dave freeman

Hi Jolene - you also “got me” with the title as well grin I love the concept and I’m wondering if you have a melody in mind?

May 30, 2018

0

Jolene Cheyney

Thank you all for the feedback.  I need to take the time to rewrite.  Writing is rewriting, right?

Dave, I took music theory in high school more than 20 years ago.  I never really figured out how to take the dry theory lessons and turn them into a memorable song.  I am reviewing some theory now, but still don’t feel able to string two notes together and make them sound good.  I guess I need a cowriter.

June 02, 2018


Fire in the Ice

Verse:
To touch her left you reeling
Overcome with chill
But the ice concealed a fire,
A fire that burns still.

Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?

Verse:
Ice is only a veneer
Shell worn o'er her heart
But the fire she hides below
Can eat you up alive.

Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?

Verse:
The salt in the tears you shed
Begins to melt through
Does the fire within your soul
Match her fire concealed?

Bridge:
Kiss, Kiss
Sparks fly, Ooh...
Sparks fly, Ooh...
There's fire inside the ice
The ice . . . The ice . . . The ice . . .

Chorus:
Better watch out 'cuz
That fire in the ice
Insurmountable blaze
Dare you feed that fire?


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