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A Moment out of Time

Frank Renfordt

March 17, 2018

Genre: Pop

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Views: 241

Responses: 5




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About This Song


This is a very rough and phone recorded work tape.
I've tried to write about the healing power of sex without getting vulgar by doing that.

Feedback Requested


I would really like to get your feedback especially regarding the lyrics.
Can you relate to that?


5 Responses


Ani Bergman

My husband really liked it. I liked love away all of that pain.  Nice work.

March 22, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Kyle Mercer

Okay, now that Ani’s come in and given you some positive reinforcement, I’m going to play the Grinch and stick my two bits on the table and offer what I hope is a little constructive suggestion, should you decide you want to tinker with this piece some more—but keep in mind, I’m not your target audience for this song and I’m not sure anything I have to say is relevant when it comes to contemporary pop.

But one of the things I thought you did very well on ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ was to create a very specific character that was just begging us to empathize with her. And I’ve probably talked about this in one of my other Frettie posts somewhere, but one of the paradoxes of writing is that, generally speaking, the more specific the character, the easier it is for an audience to identify and empathize with them. You would think that it would be the opposite—that generic characters, the ‘everyman’ sort, ought to be the easiest ones for us to ‘drop into their skins’ for a while. But that’s just not the way it works.

It’s a hard thing to do in a three minute song. We don’t get a lot of text to work with. But you did it in ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ quite well. I just don’t see it in this piece. When I look at the lyrics here, the couple seems very ‘murky’ to me—I have no feeling for who these people are (and notice my choice of direct object in that clause) because they could be anybody. And I think that’s working against you here.

Granted, songs have ways of engaging us emotionally that other types of storytelling do not have—rhythm, melody, harmony come to mind. Hell, music doesn’t even need lyrics to get our motors running. But if you’ve got lyrics, good storytelling principles are never going to hurt you. And making your characters as unique as possible is always something to keep in the forefront of your mind when writing. It will assist you in drawing listeners into your work and help you get where you want to go in this business. And I can see from ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ that you’ve got an awful lot of talent.

Good luck with it. I look forward to your next post.

March 23, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Evan Bingham

Hey Frank! I am hoping you can explain the “we take this moment out of time and let it shine” Line.
I think I get the overall message of the song, but you lost me on that particular line.

But i love the feel of the son., Reminds me of Bob Dylan, Sting, or The Kooks.

March 26, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Frank Renfordt

Hi all, thank you very much for your feedback, I guess as a songwriter by yourself you can imagine the insecurity you always have, when writing a song. In my case it’s even more difficult, because English is not my mother tongue. That is why I’m very thankful for your feedback and I’ve learned that I’m not finished with this song. To answer your question Evan, I’ve intended to say that the couple in the song just stopped the time to take a moment for themselves excluding everyone and everything else and just enjoy that moment with all senses (making love). I’m afraid that my message is either to complicated or I didn’t find the right words. I don’t know if you had that feeling with your partner that you are totally enough one another and that everything else doesn’t really matter. I’ll try to work on this and maybe I’ll post a new version.

March 26, 2018

No members have liked this comment.

Haydee Ahrens

I like the lyric that talks about tears turning in a type celebratory champagne. This song was sweet, I enjoyed it. Well-done.

April 08, 2018

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0

Ani Bergman

My husband really liked it. I liked love away all of that pain.  Nice work.

March 22, 2018

0

Kyle Mercer

Okay, now that Ani’s come in and given you some positive reinforcement, I’m going to play the Grinch and stick my two bits on the table and offer what I hope is a little constructive suggestion, should you decide you want to tinker with this piece some more—but keep in mind, I’m not your target audience for this song and I’m not sure anything I have to say is relevant when it comes to contemporary pop.

But one of the things I thought you did very well on ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ was to create a very specific character that was just begging us to empathize with her. And I’ve probably talked about this in one of my other Frettie posts somewhere, but one of the paradoxes of writing is that, generally speaking, the more specific the character, the easier it is for an audience to identify and empathize with them. You would think that it would be the opposite—that generic characters, the ‘everyman’ sort, ought to be the easiest ones for us to ‘drop into their skins’ for a while. But that’s just not the way it works.

It’s a hard thing to do in a three minute song. We don’t get a lot of text to work with. But you did it in ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ quite well. I just don’t see it in this piece. When I look at the lyrics here, the couple seems very ‘murky’ to me—I have no feeling for who these people are (and notice my choice of direct object in that clause) because they could be anybody. And I think that’s working against you here.

Granted, songs have ways of engaging us emotionally that other types of storytelling do not have—rhythm, melody, harmony come to mind. Hell, music doesn’t even need lyrics to get our motors running. But if you’ve got lyrics, good storytelling principles are never going to hurt you. And making your characters as unique as possible is always something to keep in the forefront of your mind when writing. It will assist you in drawing listeners into your work and help you get where you want to go in this business. And I can see from ‘Girl With the Guitar Case’ that you’ve got an awful lot of talent.

Good luck with it. I look forward to your next post.

March 23, 2018

0

Evan Bingham

Hey Frank! I am hoping you can explain the “we take this moment out of time and let it shine” Line.
I think I get the overall message of the song, but you lost me on that particular line.

But i love the feel of the son., Reminds me of Bob Dylan, Sting, or The Kooks.

March 26, 2018

0

Frank Renfordt

Hi all, thank you very much for your feedback, I guess as a songwriter by yourself you can imagine the insecurity you always have, when writing a song. In my case it’s even more difficult, because English is not my mother tongue. That is why I’m very thankful for your feedback and I’ve learned that I’m not finished with this song. To answer your question Evan, I’ve intended to say that the couple in the song just stopped the time to take a moment for themselves excluding everyone and everything else and just enjoy that moment with all senses (making love). I’m afraid that my message is either to complicated or I didn’t find the right words. I don’t know if you had that feeling with your partner that you are totally enough one another and that everything else doesn’t really matter. I’ll try to work on this and maybe I’ll post a new version.

March 26, 2018

0

Haydee Ahrens

I like the lyric that talks about tears turning in a type celebratory champagne. This song was sweet, I enjoyed it. Well-done.

April 08, 2018


A Moment out of Time

Written by Frank Renfordt

Light comes blinking through the blinds
I feel your bed-warm skin on mine
Awakened by your loving touch
I realize that all I need
is you and me
underneath these sheets

We can't stop the world from turnin' 'round
but you and I we have a way to slow it down
Today we keep it all outside
All the buzz and all the fights
we take this moment out of time
and let it shine

And when you tell me with your eyes
of all the hurt you feel inside
I'll take you into my arms
and love away all of that pain
until your tears
turn to champaign

We can't stop the world from turnin' 'round
but you and I we have a way to slow it down
Today we keep it all outside
All the buzz and all the fights
we take this moment out of time
and let it shine

when everything conspires against us
I'll give you mine and you give me your love
then we are fine
for a while

We can't stop the world from turnin' 'round
but you and I we have a way to slow it down
Today we keep it all outside
All the buzz and all the fights
we take this moment out of time
and let it shine

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