Evan Bingham

Hey Tommy!
So your unsureness of the structure aside, the lyrics of this song really do a great job of describing the things they do to forget. I also think they are easy for the listener to connect an relate to.

the line that says “I kept your photos just a copy or ten”
I think could potentially be reworded to be less confusing when it is sang.
Maybe something like:
I kept your photo, okay maybe ten

Don’t give up on this one!

Frank Renfordt

Hi Tommy, nice work! I would recommend to play around a little bit with the structure. For example you can consider to sing four verse lines before the refrain comes in.  After that ‘bridge’ part I’m always expecting a chorus or the refrain again. I’m not sure, but going back from that part into the verse doesn’t feel that right for me, you build up a kind of tension, but I’m missing release.

Take care!

Tommy Grimes III

Thanks Evan! Great to know that the “things that he does” are nice and clear and seem kinda believable for how a guy might handle a breakup!

Good advice too on the “copy or ten” line as well, ty! This one may well see itself getting some rework (see next reply to Frank about that too!)

Tommy Grimes III

Thanks Frank! I actually like the structure here, as it’s the way the song “wanted” to be in my head - however I do think it could hurt it in terms of “commercial viability” since listeners like things to be a certain way. I think your comments point to this being a very strong possibility indeed!

So my long term plan is this - to maybe revisit this and polish it some, like changing the line Evan suggested, but keeping the rest the same… and then creating a second version based on the same or similar lines, but with a different structure. It would be an interesting technical challenge, and also interesting for me to take something and deliberately make it different to how I heard it, I think it would be great practice and learning to do so!

So yes, this kind of rework to the structure to give it four lines then refrain, or turn the refrain into a regular chorus (I am not sure right now if I’d call the bridges choruses, and the refrain is just a refrain… or if it has no chorus at all and just refrains instead, and the bridges are still bridges, ha!)

When I end up with a reworked version I’ll be sure to post!

Gerry Morgan

I eally like this Tommy. The ecpeirments with stucture might be interesting. But the soig has a great vibe as it is and a strong hook. I like the contrast between the sections. And we’ve all been there doing that forgetting or failing to. It reminded me of a band a really loved: The Travelling Wilburys
Gerry

Tommy Grimes III

Man, Gerry, what an awesome compliment, about The Travelling Wilburys! Thank you! I both love that band, and I love all the individual members, Petty, Orbison, Dylan, Lynne (from ELO, I love ELO), Harrison - that made my day

As did that you like the vibe and the hook! Yes might still be fun and a good learning experience and experiment to try the different strucutres, I will keep that on my “to do” list - though I do still like this structure, but no harm in having two versions (at least I don’t think there’s harm… someone more experienced in getting cuts and publisher deals might be able to say whether that’s true lol!)