Song about someone contemplating the risk of a new relationship. Written/recorded long ago for the band Slow Creek.
Any feedback of any type is appreciated!
HI Sandra! Nice feel. I like that you use internal rhymes and you naturally have different phrasing. It’s nice. I agree with Brent. A lyric that is a bit more clear might be helpful. I like how you say things in a different way.. ie.. tell my parents it’s going to be a longer drive. I don’t have the lyric in front of me but I like how that says you will be further away. I like lyrics like that.
January 03, 2018
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Hi, Sandra! I like the vibe, but I got a little confused about the “moving” thing. First it sounds like she wants him to move with her. Then in the “does the distance make a difference” line, it maybe sounds like they’re already in separate places. Maybe she’s thinking of moving TO him. But if he’s the best part of her day, they’re probably already together.
I got confused.
I like the Taj Mahal stuff and the flatbread image and sailor thing. Interesting and different.
Then I see later in the song that they ARE apart, and she’s thinking about moving there. So then… how is he the best part of her day? Phone calls?
Again, I dig the vibe, but I’d like a little more clarity. You have some cool lines and thoughts (we want what we don’t have ‘cuz it makes it not our choice, etc.). But I think if you can put that level of craft into a focused lyric that is all pulling in the same direction that you’ll have some pretty powerful songs.
So my main encouragement is focus.
Hope that helps! Please take a moment to leave a comment on another writer’s song. It doesn’t have to be super-detailed or anything. Just a thought or two about the song. (Also, the best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback.) Thanks!
January 02, 2018
1
HI Sandra! Nice feel. I like that you use internal rhymes and you naturally have different phrasing. It’s nice. I agree with Brent. A lyric that is a bit more clear might be helpful. I like how you say things in a different way.. ie.. tell my parents it’s going to be a longer drive. I don’t have the lyric in front of me but I like how that says you will be further away. I like lyrics like that.
January 03, 2018
If I quit my job and move would you be with me?
Would it all fall into place so easily
Or is it all in my head or did i make it all up
are all those nice things that you told to me true?
Cause I really have to say that you're the best part of my day
And sometimes i really wonder about you
The Taj mahal was built because of love
each brick was placed there by a hard working man
who probably had someone home cooking flatbread
wishing she had run off with a sailor instead
We all want what we dont have cause it makes it not our choice
to be in the place that we're in
If you told me to move down there i wouldnt think twice
cause love is all there is i've always said
I'd pack it all up and take the rest to the thrift shop
tell my folks its gonna be a longer drive
Cause i really have to say that you're the best part of my day
Sometimes I really wonder about you
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1
Brent Baxter
Hi, Sandra! I like the vibe, but I got a little confused about the “moving” thing. First it sounds like she wants him to move with her. Then in the “does the distance make a difference” line, it maybe sounds like they’re already in separate places. Maybe she’s thinking of moving TO him. But if he’s the best part of her day, they’re probably already together.
I got confused.
I like the Taj Mahal stuff and the flatbread image and sailor thing. Interesting and different.
Then I see later in the song that they ARE apart, and she’s thinking about moving there. So then… how is he the best part of her day? Phone calls?
Again, I dig the vibe, but I’d like a little more clarity. You have some cool lines and thoughts (we want what we don’t have ‘cuz it makes it not our choice, etc.). But I think if you can put that level of craft into a focused lyric that is all pulling in the same direction that you’ll have some pretty powerful songs.
So my main encouragement is focus.
Hope that helps! Please take a moment to leave a comment on another writer’s song. It doesn’t have to be super-detailed or anything. Just a thought or two about the song. (Also, the best way to GET feedback is to GIVE feedback.) Thanks!
January 02, 2018