Rough demo of a song I'm working on. Recorded with an acoustic guitar and an iPhone.
Looking for feedback on the lyrics (thinking of cutting a couple of the verses) and help with the arrangement (particularly the the bridge). Thanks!
Thanks Dennis, appreciate the feedback! Nice job on the site by the way. Have you thought about adding tagging (of other Frettie users) to the feedback editor?
—T
P.S. I’ll be sure to check out Joey Hendrickson’s tracks.
August 03, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
BTW: These are the lyrics. I’m thinking I might remove both a verse and one of the choruses, and bring the bridge in sooner.
I Had a Dream
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 1)
There was a garden
overgrown by weeds
There was a hole
full of your needs
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 2)
There was a front door
open to the air
I climbed a staircase
leading nowhere
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 3)
There was a bedroom
with curtains torn down
I found your letter
laying on the ground
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Bridge)
But now it’s over
The dream is over
Now it’s over for me
(Verse 4)
There was a basement
far underground
Sinking below us
dragging us down
(Verse 5)
There was a back gate
the wind had blown down
I followed the pathway
leading into town
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
August 03, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
Todd,
Thanks for the compliments on the site. We have a ton of great features we are working on right now. A way to mention other members is something that we are looking into.
I also agree with removing a chorus and verse. Condensing this song would pull it together nicely.
August 05, 2013
No members have liked this comment.
You must be signed in to post feedback.
0
Todd,
Rough Tracks are always welcome! As you stated I would also consider cutting a verse or two. I think it will focus the song more and keep me from wondering. The “I had a dream of you and me” does start to make me feel like I am falling into a trance so by removing a few verses that may help.
About the half way point, I feel like I need some sort of change up. Maybe that is a time to introduce the Bridge.
As far as the bridge goes, I found it to be the right length, but maybe it doesn’t stand out enough as a bridge.
All in all, I think by condensing down the number of verses and really hitting that Bridge hard this song won’t feel as tranquil.
If you have not already take a listen to Joey Hendrickson’s music on here. He may be able to give you some inspiration.
July 30, 2013
0
Thanks Dennis, appreciate the feedback! Nice job on the site by the way. Have you thought about adding tagging (of other Frettie users) to the feedback editor?
—T
P.S. I’ll be sure to check out Joey Hendrickson’s tracks.
August 03, 2013
0
BTW: These are the lyrics. I’m thinking I might remove both a verse and one of the choruses, and bring the bridge in sooner.
I Had a Dream
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 1)
There was a garden
overgrown by weeds
There was a hole
full of your needs
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 2)
There was a front door
open to the air
I climbed a staircase
leading nowhere
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Verse 3)
There was a bedroom
with curtains torn down
I found your letter
laying on the ground
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
(Bridge)
But now it’s over
The dream is over
Now it’s over for me
(Verse 4)
There was a basement
far underground
Sinking below us
dragging us down
(Verse 5)
There was a back gate
the wind had blown down
I followed the pathway
leading into town
(Chorus)
I had a dream of you and me
I had a dream of you and me
August 03, 2013
0
Todd,
Thanks for the compliments on the site. We have a ton of great features we are working on right now. A way to mention other members is something that we are looking into.
I also agree with removing a chorus and verse. Condensing this song would pull it together nicely.
August 05, 2013
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Dennis Field
Todd,
Rough Tracks are always welcome! As you stated I would also consider cutting a verse or two. I think it will focus the song more and keep me from wondering. The “I had a dream of you and me” does start to make me feel like I am falling into a trance so by removing a few verses that may help.
About the half way point, I feel like I need some sort of change up. Maybe that is a time to introduce the Bridge.
As far as the bridge goes, I found it to be the right length, but maybe it doesn’t stand out enough as a bridge.
All in all, I think by condensing down the number of verses and really hitting that Bridge hard this song won’t feel as tranquil.
If you have not already take a listen to Joey Hendrickson’s music on here. He may be able to give you some inspiration.
July 30, 2013
No members have liked this comment.