This is a song I wrote for my wedding three years ago. I just recently set up the studio at he and so this is a relatively new recording. This was my first real rcording in Reaper so ... 
First of all feedback on lyrics and melody. Also, I don't think this would be at all commercially viable. Thoughts?
Hey Brent, thanks for your thoughts.
The reason I wrote “a rose will lose its bloom” is that I wanted to draw a contrast between roses and songs and strengthen the idea that a song can last long enough to stand the test of time like our love will.
You’re correct about the chorus. We walked ten thousand miles before we got married. We married in our fourtys and both of us had lived full lives before then and now we’re living full lives and walking ten thousand miles together.
I’ll have to think about how I would make that an easier transition. I can see how that might be distracting if you think a lot about the lyric as we are prone to do.
Thanks again!
December 13, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
You must be signed in to post feedback.
Our love is like a red red rose
newly sprung in June.
Our love is like a melody
sweetly played in tune.
A rose will lose its bloom
a song can pass the test of time
Long enough to last ten thousand miles.
Chorus
Ten thousand miles, we've walked alone.
Together we will walk ten thousand miles.
Ten thousand miles, already known.
Together we will know ten thousand miles.
Till all the seas gone dry and all the rocks melt in the sun,
Our love will be the hourglass; The sands of time will run.
Each day will be a blessing from God who wove our lives
strong enough to last ten thousand miles.
Chorus
Ten thousand miles, we've walked alone
Together we will walk ten thousand miles.
Ten thousand miles, already known,
together we will know ten thousand miles.
0
Hey, Rusty! Thanks for sharing your first song with us! I like the feel. Glad it’s a positive me/you love song.
However, I have a few concerns. You start off with a few positive similes- your love is like a rose and a tune. But then you say roses lose their blooms. Negative thought. But songs can last. Positive thought. Why throw a negative thought in the 1st verse? It doesn’t help, and it throws the listener for a loop.
In the chorus, did you walk 10,000 miles alone BEFORE you met each other? Or alone WITH each other? I’m getting it was before you met each other, and now you’ll walk another 10,000 miles together. But having to do the work in my head to figure that out takes me out of my heart, so I’m not connecting emotionally to the song.
Those are a few of my thoughts. Hope it helps. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks, and I’m glad you’re part of the Frettie community!
December 08, 2017
0
Hey Brent, thanks for your thoughts.
The reason I wrote “a rose will lose its bloom” is that I wanted to draw a contrast between roses and songs and strengthen the idea that a song can last long enough to stand the test of time like our love will.
You’re correct about the chorus. We walked ten thousand miles before we got married. We married in our fourtys and both of us had lived full lives before then and now we’re living full lives and walking ten thousand miles together.
I’ll have to think about how I would make that an easier transition. I can see how that might be distracting if you think a lot about the lyric as we are prone to do.
Thanks again!
December 13, 2017
Do you want to have this song reviewed by an industry professional or a hit songwriter? Click on any of the professionals below to purchase your review.
Brent Baxter:
Pro Songwriter
$25.00/Song
Sam & Becca Mizell:
Hit Songwriters
$50.00/Song
Tell your peers about professional song reviews on Songwriting Pro.
×
Brent Baxter
Hey, Rusty! Thanks for sharing your first song with us! I like the feel. Glad it’s a positive me/you love song.
However, I have a few concerns. You start off with a few positive similes- your love is like a rose and a tune. But then you say roses lose their blooms. Negative thought. But songs can last. Positive thought. Why throw a negative thought in the 1st verse? It doesn’t help, and it throws the listener for a loop.
In the chorus, did you walk 10,000 miles alone BEFORE you met each other? Or alone WITH each other? I’m getting it was before you met each other, and now you’ll walk another 10,000 miles together. But having to do the work in my head to figure that out takes me out of my heart, so I’m not connecting emotionally to the song.
Those are a few of my thoughts. Hope it helps. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks, and I’m glad you’re part of the Frettie community!
December 08, 2017
No members have liked this comment.