He just left. now I'm alone .....close to tears
Hi Mike! Interesting phrasing of the verses, it got my attention, but the lack of a recurring rhyme scheme kept me guessing what came next. I don’t know if you did it on purpose for feeling, but making the verses ABCB structure wouldn’t be that hard.
The chorus has me a little lost… I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. “Locked up inside”, inside what? Yourself, the room, the house? “I just can’t get in”, in what? You just said you’re locked up inside. Word wise, I’m not a big fan of having two consecutive lines beginning with “And”.
You have some good images throughout the song, but feel a little tweaking would make it better.
Keep writing!
Phillip
August 27, 2017
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Hey Michael!
I love the haunting melody of this song, especially in the verses with the ascending skips. The verses paint great imagery of the song, but I would have to echo what Phillip said in regards to the chorus. I’m not sure what’s really going on. I think if you just rewrite the lyrics of the chorus to pull the central theme of the song together more clearly, it would make the song even better!
Katie
September 10, 2017
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Sitting in this same black chair/
I begin to pray out loud/
But the words turn into dust/
As they float away/
How the sunlight wakes your face/
Even in this photograph/
Knowing I should take it down/
And bury it someplace/
Cause I'm locked up inside/
All my hopeful doubt/
And I just can't get in/
And my heart get out/
For your smile drags me here/
And your eyes pull me there/
And before I steer clear/
I'm close to tears/
Lukewarm coffee stains my cup/
Silence haunts the living room/
Turning on the bathroom light/
I don't recognize myself/
Cause I'm locked up inside/
All my hopeful doubt/
And I just can't get in/
And my heart get out/
For your smile drags me here/
And your eyes pull me there/
And before I steer clear/
I'm close to tears/
Close to tears
Mike Daniels, ASCAP
bluesawdust@hotmail.com
Michael Casali, BMI, mrc708@comcast.net ph-309-287-1845
0
Nice song Michael… and you picked a great vocalist to do this type of song. The piano was constantly hooking nicely throughout the song. I can imagine you struggled with whether or not to employ more soundtrack build as the song progressed or keep it small as you did. It worked well.
Nice song. I will let others comment on the lyrics. I enjoyed them.
August 24, 2017
0
Hi Mike! Interesting phrasing of the verses, it got my attention, but the lack of a recurring rhyme scheme kept me guessing what came next. I don’t know if you did it on purpose for feeling, but making the verses ABCB structure wouldn’t be that hard.
The chorus has me a little lost… I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. “Locked up inside”, inside what? Yourself, the room, the house? “I just can’t get in”, in what? You just said you’re locked up inside. Word wise, I’m not a big fan of having two consecutive lines beginning with “And”.
You have some good images throughout the song, but feel a little tweaking would make it better.
Keep writing!
Phillip
August 27, 2017
0
Hey Michael!
I love the haunting melody of this song, especially in the verses with the ascending skips. The verses paint great imagery of the song, but I would have to echo what Phillip said in regards to the chorus. I’m not sure what’s really going on. I think if you just rewrite the lyrics of the chorus to pull the central theme of the song together more clearly, it would make the song even better!
Katie
September 10, 2017
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Robert Lloyd
Nice song Michael… and you picked a great vocalist to do this type of song. The piano was constantly hooking nicely throughout the song. I can imagine you struggled with whether or not to employ more soundtrack build as the song progressed or keep it small as you did. It worked well.
Nice song. I will let others comment on the lyrics. I enjoyed them.
August 24, 2017
No members have liked this comment.