Brent Baxter

Hey, David!  The rhyme scheme is throwing me.  First off, my ear wants to hear couplets (rhyming a-a-b-b) or at least (a-b-a-b).  But that a-b-a-c just throws me for a loop.

I like that it has a driving feel (no pun intended).  However, I feel it takes too long to get to the chorus.  See if you can tighten up the lyric to get to the chorus earlier.

Also, the melody and lyric feel more folk than country, in my opinion.  The opening line feels country lyrically, but… I’m not sure… maybe it’s more the melody and singer making it feel more folk than country.

And folk is fine, don’t get me wrong.  But you listed the song as country.  So if country is where you’re headed, I think you’re more in folk.

Hope that helps.  Please pay it forward by leaving a review on another writer’s song. Thanks!

Phillip Lemmonds

Might be the music, but to me this version sounds a little darker than your earlier version.  As Benny said of the first one, the rhyme scheme kind of throws everything off, but please, experiment away.

I still think the verses aren’t painting the mental images they should.  In the opening line, what is “one car light”?  I know what you want to say, but that phrase could mean different things to different people.  Why not just say what it is…daring fate with one headlight on a cold moonless night.  Or drop the “cold” to keep it 12 syllables.  Several other lines feel like they’re not specific enough to paint the image.

I forget who said it, but they said something like “If you have to explain your lyrics to somebody, it’s probably time for a rewrite”.

Keep at it,
Phillip

Kevin Fox

I picked up on the same thing Dave. I was waiting for rhyme in the chorus and the 2nd verse. I thought as well this could be sung different…Peace my friend