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A slow pop ballad about meeting someone you've been missing and searching for. Only four tracks so far - piano, vocal, a pad and the synth at the start and end.
Do the lyrics make you feel anything, or are they just words?
Is there enough in the song, musically does it need more instrumental parts?
Does it work without a verse / chorus structure?
Any other feedback very welcome of course!
Thanks for listening
Chris
Hey Chris… Welcome to Frettie!
I have a few thoughts on this song, in no particular order, so bear with me…
In general, if you’re not going to have a chorus, you need a couple lines of refrain at the end of each section to keep the listener grounded, something that is repetitive. Also let’s the listener know when one section ends and the next begins. For this song, it could be “When we take time out” or “Who knows when”.
If you took the word “out” out of of the 1st and 5th lines, does the meaning change? Does the word “that” add anything in line 5?
I think a stronger opening line would be “I’ve given up looking for you”.
I’d drop the “yeah” in L3 and add an adjective before faces, like “I’ve checked out all their mindless faces”.
The rhyme scheme is a little scattered, especially in the first section. It a long way from “you” to “too”. Again, listeners like to feel grounded.
In section 4(?), you used “inside” twice in four lines. Me, I try to never repeat a word unless it’s a pronoun. Maybe replace “touch what’s inside” with “touch what we hide”.
Watch overusing the word “and”. I think writers use it for melody timing and in a lot of instances, the line is better without it.
My thoughts,
Phillip
July 14, 2017
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Hi, Chris! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your music with us!
I’m no pop expert, so please take my thoughts with a country grain of salt. I think there are two things I’d look at, if this were my song.
I didn’t feel a melodic shift into the chorus. I wanted more lift. It feels a little meandering. Give me a good chorus and melodic hook for the listener to love. That’s pretty much a “must” for commercial pop songwriting.
The other thing is… I didn’t get a clear takeaway, lyrically. Yes, it’s a lost love song, but I got lost in all the metaphors and language. I was just missing some clarity. My two cents, anyway.
I hope that’s helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 16, 2017
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Hey Chris!
Good to see another Brit on here. I liked the elements of the song but wasn’t quite sure how they fitted together. It feels like it’s sitting somewhere between something abstract and something more commercial at the moment - not sure if that’s what you were going for?
Could the electronic production maybe continue throughout to connect the dots?
October 19, 2017
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Given up looking out for you
Familiar places with strangers in the street
Yeah I've checked out all their faces
I know you've never been there
Because I know that you'd be looking out too
I know it's just a flicker in the infinite perspective
But I knew your every minute I was so protective
And I pushed you so far
Staying around was harder to do
Every time I think of all these pictures I've imagined
And the world feels cold, I turn my head away from the pain
Counting out the words it takes to tell you
How it feels to be alone waking every day
And the rain comes down in sheets that wrap your hunger
I feel it too is it any wonder
When we take time out
When we take time out
All that it takes is a little less pride
And the walls come down we can touch what's inside
You know people are crazy they don't know their minds
And hey I'm just the same I've got the devil inside
And I've been waiting for miracles that bring you back round
I've been building a shrine on this old hallowed ground
There's a long way to go and still a mountain to climb
But we found the same place in one moment of time
Here and now
And who knows where
Who knows where it will end?
And who knows when
Who knows when we'll take time out again?
Who knows when?
0
Hi Chris… certainly not in the country vein. A pop song here.
I like your idea here of the production. When I listen to you I wonder if you should try a really really soft whisper-like singing vocal? It takes work to do it right, but line by line with a good whispered yet still singing the melody.
I think maybe the effects were too loud in the end. With a softer mix with them in more of a background they would enhance your total production I believe. I am not saying take them out.. I like those effects and also throughout the song. But we all know the phrase “the magic is in the mix” and I believe with the softest vocal possible you can do and still be singing, coupled with lowering into the mix of your effects… you have a special song and recording.
I would have loved being with you during the mixing. Fun.
July 14, 2017
0
Hey Chris… Welcome to Frettie!
I have a few thoughts on this song, in no particular order, so bear with me…
In general, if you’re not going to have a chorus, you need a couple lines of refrain at the end of each section to keep the listener grounded, something that is repetitive. Also let’s the listener know when one section ends and the next begins. For this song, it could be “When we take time out” or “Who knows when”.
If you took the word “out” out of of the 1st and 5th lines, does the meaning change? Does the word “that” add anything in line 5?
I think a stronger opening line would be “I’ve given up looking for you”.
I’d drop the “yeah” in L3 and add an adjective before faces, like “I’ve checked out all their mindless faces”.
The rhyme scheme is a little scattered, especially in the first section. It a long way from “you” to “too”. Again, listeners like to feel grounded.
In section 4(?), you used “inside” twice in four lines. Me, I try to never repeat a word unless it’s a pronoun. Maybe replace “touch what’s inside” with “touch what we hide”.
Watch overusing the word “and”. I think writers use it for melody timing and in a lot of instances, the line is better without it.
My thoughts,
Phillip
July 14, 2017
0
Hi, Chris! Welcome to Frettie, and thanks for sharing your music with us!
I’m no pop expert, so please take my thoughts with a country grain of salt. I think there are two things I’d look at, if this were my song.
I didn’t feel a melodic shift into the chorus. I wanted more lift. It feels a little meandering. Give me a good chorus and melodic hook for the listener to love. That’s pretty much a “must” for commercial pop songwriting.
The other thing is… I didn’t get a clear takeaway, lyrically. Yes, it’s a lost love song, but I got lost in all the metaphors and language. I was just missing some clarity. My two cents, anyway.
I hope that’s helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
July 16, 2017
0
Hey Chris!
Good to see another Brit on here. I liked the elements of the song but wasn’t quite sure how they fitted together. It feels like it’s sitting somewhere between something abstract and something more commercial at the moment - not sure if that’s what you were going for?
Could the electronic production maybe continue throughout to connect the dots?
October 19, 2017
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Robert Lloyd
Hi Chris… certainly not in the country vein. A pop song here.
I like your idea here of the production. When I listen to you I wonder if you should try a really really soft whisper-like singing vocal? It takes work to do it right, but line by line with a good whispered yet still singing the melody.
I think maybe the effects were too loud in the end. With a softer mix with them in more of a background they would enhance your total production I believe. I am not saying take them out.. I like those effects and also throughout the song. But we all know the phrase “the magic is in the mix” and I believe with the softest vocal possible you can do and still be singing, coupled with lowering into the mix of your effects… you have a special song and recording.
I would have loved being with you during the mixing. Fun.
July 14, 2017
No members have liked this comment.