Robert Lloyd

Hi Graham… this is tough. Lyrically, it is difficult for me to listen to a song about a man that stays with his wife that has been unfaithful. I don’t want to go further biblically as that is not what we are about in this forum.

Those are my feelings if that is of any help.

Phillip Lemmonds

Like Robert, I have conflicting feelings about the theme of the song, but if your faith is strong enough, go with it.

Word wise, watch your “but"s, “and"s and “that”‘s.  They are often used as “filler” words that don’t add anything to the song except melody timing.  If you removed them, does the meaning of the line change.  If it doesn’t, you need to rewrite the line.

The lyrics would be better written as:
My heart was broken when I got the news
That you were with another last night
Some say I should be packing my bags
So I can get out of sight

I have a Savior who gave me his all
I’ve been unfaithful, stumble and fall
But he never leaves though I’ve been untrue
Since he won’t leave me, I’ll never leave you

You get the idea…

Phillip

Brent Baxter

Hi, Graham!  Thanks for sharing your song.  It’s an interesting idea.  It’s challenging, though I agree with the premise.

I dig the idea, but maybe you shouldn’t just throw out “you cheated on my- LAST NIGHT.”  That’s really quick for him to just say, “Yep, I’m not leaving.”  I want to feel the PAIN.  That situation would be utterly heartbreaking, and the listener needs to FEEL that.  Melodically, I’m not feeling the pain.

Maybe you can drop the cheating thing for more general “we fight a lot.”  But the cheating thing IS a good parallel for how unfaithful we can be as Christians.

So, make it where they’re in the struggle of staying together or not- not a new, fresh infidelity, but one they’re in the muck of cleaning up, and he’s struggling.  And she wonders if he’s gonna leave (part of her thinking he should).

I think if it’s done right, it could be really cool.  Keep at it!

Please pay it forward by leaving a comment or review on another writer’s song.  Thanks!

Graham Donahue

Thanks! I’ve got some good ideas on some ways I can improve it!

Michael R. J. Roth

Sweet song dealing with a painful topic. Has a very old-fashioned feel, maybe would work in folk music circles. I agree that the music doesn’t seem to jibe with the topic, but I think if it’s from the perspective of being at peace with it because of your faith, it makes sense. Has a lullaby feel to it, but I would have a hard time singing it to my kid!

Bob Abner

Your song is musically simplistic, but the thematic material is anything but simple—I agree that this makes it more difficult for the listener to identify with your song.

“But I have a Savior Who gave me His all
And I’ve been unfaithful and stumble and fall.”

small suggestion:
I have a Savior Who gave me His all
I’ve been unfaithful, I stumble and fall.

Also, I think the musical accompaniment (guitar) does the song a disservice—as it stands now, you accompaniment is more along the lines of “Rainbow Connection” (“Why are there so many songs about rainbows…”)—With this accompaniment, the (subtle subconscious) message that you give the listener is “You don’t really have to take this song very seriously” (imho). I do think it’s tough thematic subject matter, and my hat is off to you for tackling it.  Best wishes in your songwriting.