This may be more Pop than Country, but it's hard to tell these days! Song about a guy who can't say the words "I Love You". Got the idea while taking a shower one morning with too much steam.
This is a guitar/vocal work tape. Any and all feedback greatly appreciated, but please don't judge the song on my playing or singing abilities!
Hi Phillip… this is another interesting song of yours. I was going to follow you the other day and did not hit the button but am going to today so I can keep an eye on your posts.
One thing I really like is your lyrics. I like this take on love and how a man reacts being close to the one he loves. A different take on a good theme. I really like the first two lines of the chorus for instance.
You might not be the best singer but the idea got through nevertheless. I thought (to bounce off Brent’s comment) that he ‘could’ have a relationship with the girl but he still gets this feeling inside. I guess it is a love from afar when looking more closely..
May 29, 2017
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I wanted to comment separately on the music side. I know I will be pelted possibly for this comment but I truly believe the melody is 80% of the song. You can have a great melody with average lyrics and be an all time greatest hit. But I can’t see great lyrics with an average melody going anywhere.
When I listen to your song I imagine what if one of the great singers from a show such as American Idol or The Voice would be singing this song and with a strong piano backing? What would it be like? I could see it becoming fairly dynamic with maybe changing around a few melodic finishing lines to possibly improve it or even maybe not… its fine as it is.
May 29, 2017
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Hey Philip,
I like your song very much and I think you are seriously underselling it.
Irrespective of what everyone tells you, performance is what we all inevitably hear: compare anyone’s great song and an amateur performance of their song (the Bob, James Taylor, anyone) and ask yourself - if I heard the latter, would I like that famous song so much? We all have limitations and yours do not seem to be in the writing.
Look at it another way: lots of mediocre songs by famous singers/bands we keep listening to… why? Because of their superb delivery and harmonies, etc. The Eagles come to mind easily here.
Just saying, if I can’t connect to your song, it may not be the song itself, may well be the delivery… just my opinion!
Be well. Jack
June 01, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
Guys, thank you for your input, suggestions, and support. I’d like to think I’m getting better at writing, but I’m still learning every day.
I’ve started comparing songwriting to playing golf - I know what I’m supposed to do… I’m just not good at it yet, but the more I practice, the better I get!
Keep writing,
Phillip
June 02, 2017
No members have liked this comment.
Phillip,
I really like the repetition with the I can’t Breath in the chorus. You first verse, I also, really like the lyrics, and the story being told in the first verse. I agree with Brent it seems with the first verse this was a guy that had seen for the first time an unapproachable girl. your lyrics are all very well written. I think it could be relatable to someone having a difficult time saying I love you, but that would have to change your first verse a bit, I do think going with the unapproachable girl storyline would be really good. That can be relatable to younger and older artists/audiences.
July 06, 2017
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I Can't Breathe (When You're Close to Me)
You walk into the room, you take my breath away
My body freezes up when you look my way
I want to smile and wave, to let you know I care
You probably think I'm crazy, all I do is stare
Chorus:
I can't breathe, when you are around
I can't breathe, I can barely make a sound
I try and try to tell you, how I really feel
But I can't breathe, when you're close to me, I can't breathe
I've told you in my mind, I've said it silently
I can't get past the "I" before it gets to me
My palms start to sweat, my chest begins to hurt
Maybe it's my heart, so full it wants to burst
Chorus: Repeat
Bridge:
Love is a big word to be four letters long
Some people say it and get the meaning wrong
When someone makes you feel the way I feel when I'm with you
Then it's love, untold love
Chorus: Repeat
0
Hey, Phillip- thanks for sharing your song! I like that it’s a positive love song sung “me” to “you.” That’s a good commercial move. It’s all communicated clearly- I know what’s going on and I know what the title is upon the first listen.
I’d just encourage you to keep digging deeper. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s not hitting me emotionally. I’m not “in the moment” with you. Maybe it’s (partly) that they appear to be strangers but he wants to say “I love you.” I don’t connect with that. I understand being so smitten that you can’t breath when she’s nearby. And I can understand being scared to say “I love you” for the first time to someone. But putting them together doesn’t work for me.
Maybe it’d work better to be about how this guy is trying to work up the nerve to approach this unapproachable girl. Or make them already an item, and he’s just trying to work up the nerve to tell her he loves her. And that would allow you to paint these wonderful pictures of these intimate moments (or even mundane moments) when the words want to come bursting out of his mouth, but they don’t… ‘cuz he can’t breathe. Just a thought.
Hope that helps. Please pay it forward by commenting on another writer’s song. Thanks!
Hope that helps. Please pay it forward by commenting on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 28, 2017
0
Hi Phillip… this is another interesting song of yours. I was going to follow you the other day and did not hit the button but am going to today so I can keep an eye on your posts.
One thing I really like is your lyrics. I like this take on love and how a man reacts being close to the one he loves. A different take on a good theme. I really like the first two lines of the chorus for instance.
You might not be the best singer but the idea got through nevertheless. I thought (to bounce off Brent’s comment) that he ‘could’ have a relationship with the girl but he still gets this feeling inside. I guess it is a love from afar when looking more closely..
May 29, 2017
0
I wanted to comment separately on the music side. I know I will be pelted possibly for this comment but I truly believe the melody is 80% of the song. You can have a great melody with average lyrics and be an all time greatest hit. But I can’t see great lyrics with an average melody going anywhere.
When I listen to your song I imagine what if one of the great singers from a show such as American Idol or The Voice would be singing this song and with a strong piano backing? What would it be like? I could see it becoming fairly dynamic with maybe changing around a few melodic finishing lines to possibly improve it or even maybe not… its fine as it is.
May 29, 2017
0
Hey Philip,
I like your song very much and I think you are seriously underselling it.
Irrespective of what everyone tells you, performance is what we all inevitably hear: compare anyone’s great song and an amateur performance of their song (the Bob, James Taylor, anyone) and ask yourself - if I heard the latter, would I like that famous song so much? We all have limitations and yours do not seem to be in the writing.
Look at it another way: lots of mediocre songs by famous singers/bands we keep listening to… why? Because of their superb delivery and harmonies, etc. The Eagles come to mind easily here.
Just saying, if I can’t connect to your song, it may not be the song itself, may well be the delivery… just my opinion!
Be well. Jack
June 01, 2017
0
Guys, thank you for your input, suggestions, and support. I’d like to think I’m getting better at writing, but I’m still learning every day.
I’ve started comparing songwriting to playing golf - I know what I’m supposed to do… I’m just not good at it yet, but the more I practice, the better I get!
Keep writing,
Phillip
June 02, 2017
0
Phillip,
I really like the repetition with the I can’t Breath in the chorus. You first verse, I also, really like the lyrics, and the story being told in the first verse. I agree with Brent it seems with the first verse this was a guy that had seen for the first time an unapproachable girl. your lyrics are all very well written. I think it could be relatable to someone having a difficult time saying I love you, but that would have to change your first verse a bit, I do think going with the unapproachable girl storyline would be really good. That can be relatable to younger and older artists/audiences.
July 06, 2017
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Hey, Phillip- thanks for sharing your song! I like that it’s a positive love song sung “me” to “you.” That’s a good commercial move. It’s all communicated clearly- I know what’s going on and I know what the title is upon the first listen.
I’d just encourage you to keep digging deeper. I understand what you’re saying, but it’s not hitting me emotionally. I’m not “in the moment” with you. Maybe it’s (partly) that they appear to be strangers but he wants to say “I love you.” I don’t connect with that. I understand being so smitten that you can’t breath when she’s nearby. And I can understand being scared to say “I love you” for the first time to someone. But putting them together doesn’t work for me.
Maybe it’d work better to be about how this guy is trying to work up the nerve to approach this unapproachable girl. Or make them already an item, and he’s just trying to work up the nerve to tell her he loves her. And that would allow you to paint these wonderful pictures of these intimate moments (or even mundane moments) when the words want to come bursting out of his mouth, but they don’t… ‘cuz he can’t breathe. Just a thought.
Hope that helps. Please pay it forward by commenting on another writer’s song. Thanks!
Hope that helps. Please pay it forward by commenting on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 28, 2017
No members have liked this comment.