Phillip Lemmonds

Hey Jackson,  I guess this is one of the demos you mentioned earlier.  As for sound and production, it’s all good.  But, I’m not particularly fond of the arrangement.

If you’re trying for commercial success, this song is too long, coming in around 4:40.  It also doesn’t hit the chorus until 1:38 into it, which is too late by today’s standards… “Don’t bore us, get to the chorus!”.

Going through the lyrics, there are a few places where I would have used different words, like “And gods are tough”.  You don’t want to offend anybody of any religion, so I might have said “And times are tough” or “And life is tough”.  In the same verse, I would have gone with “Crashing waves”.

On the arrangement, I’m not sure if the “my love” lines are a long pre-chorus or are mini-verses.  To me, a pre-chorus doesn’t need to be more than a couple of lines long.  I also think the bridge is a few lines too long.  All of this adds up to a long song…

Besides for a few words here and there, I think the lyrics are pretty good, but could be whittled down to make a better radio song.

Phillip

Jackson Lucas

Hey Philip,

You are spot on, man, I could not agree with you more.

I am unhappy with the structure and the arrangement too. Unfortunately I did not get any help with either and learned my lesson the hard way. This is only my 2nd demo!

Lyric needs some touch ups and restructuring, and that is the easy part (for me). I will do a new tune and work out an arrangement in GarageBand or Logic, and send to Nashville for a live cut with vocal. Could do a co-write with a producer if there is sufficient interest. Or go in a different direction and shoot for a pop ballad elsewhere.

My very best to you, my friend.
Be well. Jack

Jackson Lucas

Hey Jeffrey, thanks very much. I like the voice too, but it’s not mine.

Philip,
My interest in writing commercial songs is not very high. I much prefer writing songs that affect people and mess with their hearts and minds.

I am taking myself seriously, as you can see, and if I unwittingly offend someone, I will take that risk, even if it brings down the entertainment value of the song. Jethro Tull’s “Aqualung” was a brutal unrelenting attack on the Church of England, and it still became their greatest commercial hit in the UK and the rest of the world.

I take full responsibility for the demo of the Keeper because I paid for it, but unfortunately I had nothing to do with both the music and production. And herein lies a lesson for all of us, outside Nashville, who are submitting lyrics to a Nashville demo company: they will handle a simple v-c-v-c structure pretty well and do a good professional job; a more complex lyric they will handle the same way - and both music and production will fall woefully flat. The Keeper is a big song - took them over 4 months and several false starts and they still couldn’t do it right: made it monotonous, garbled lyrics at the top of 2nd verse, etc.Iit needed a more complex melodic structure and more dynamics (two pres are uncommon, but if done differently, or moved around, etc.)... at the end of the day you get what you pay for and you’ll get mediocre results. That is why I am learning GarageBand and Logic and will start building my own tracks with the sole purpose to give detailed directions when the pros cut them live.

Of course, all these peeves do not reflect the fact that I need to rethink and work on the lyric structure as well, and I take your comments in that regard with gratitude.  Be well. Jack

Brian Blevins

hi jackson,

i think the lyrics are interesting.  very poetic.  if you are trying to write a song or songs that make people think or use their brain then i believe you have accomplished that goal here. 

it does seem to me though that the demo company missed the mark.  the prosody between the lyrics and the music does not feel right.  maybe that is what you were saying in your last comment.

i doubt too many people would be offended by the line phil pointed out “And gods are tough” and i agree with you, if they are then too bad.  cannot erase Norse mythology.  you used a lower case ‘g’ after all.  case dismissed.

i agree with phil on the rest of his comments.  but it sounds like the audience you are writing for is a different audience than those that listen to main stream music.

you probably get advice all of the time about your studio so i am gonna suggest a couple things.  if you have not considered Reaper as your DAW, you may want to check it out.  if you are not a drummer then i would highly recommend Jamstix.

brian

Jackson Lucas

Hey Brian,

Many thanks for your comments and encouragement. The demo company definitely messed up some on this one, and did an even worse job on a third, so except the first, Grind, they have been a complete waste of money.

It is probably partly my fault too as some of my lyrics are, perhaps, unnecessarily complicated and I could have adhered to a more basic structure for better results. I am working on this. The music I listen to is hardly mainstream, either, and that may be a contributing factor as well.

I will be doing my own tracks this summer - thanks for the suggestions. I am not familiar with Reaper and have only heard of Jamstix. I work on a Mac so GarageBand and Logic seem obvious choices. I am also looking at NI’s Maschine for drums.

Thanks again. Be well and keep in touch.
Jack