This is a song I have been working on for awhile that I believe is finished. I wanted to tell a story about how this character went from believing the "Better Life" to be anywhere but the church, to being ready to move on to the "Better Life" of an eternity with God.
*Note: This song is created from my imagination, and is not in any way based on a true story.
Please give me any and all feedback regarding this songs writing. Due to my lack of time and skill, this is a very basic guitar/vocal demo, so I am not looking for any production feedback.
Thank you for the feedback!
It is not actually about my dad (I changed the description to specify that), so perhaps that is why it comes through that way. I just felt the story worked best being told from the kid’s point of view.
I am not sure how I could change the feel of the last verse. Maybe that is something that can be done well with a full band where certain instruments could drop off or something. Bluegrass music is not overly conducive to changing the feel from verse to verse.
What if the song was told by the main character instead of the child. If it was coming from the mouth of the man himself instead of the child, maybe it would fit better?
Will definitely try to give others feedback as well!
May 15, 2017
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Good stuff Graham! I really like how you incorporated the twist from each verse into the chorus…really cool!
Gotta say I totally get Brent’s point above though…maybe it’s because cancer itself is such a touchy subject and many people have lost a loved one to it, family or friend, etc. Maybe it would work better if it wasn’t cancer? Don’t even name the disease, just change up the first line in some way? Just a thought.
Hope this helps!
May 17, 2017
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Hi Graham, It was refreshing to hear something different today.
Bluegrass with a little touch of folk thrown in there. Cool. My brain was playing along with an upright bass, fiddle, banjo, mandolin and background vocals but that’s just me. What I heard was enough to carry me through the song.
Here’s what I’m thinking. If you rework that third verse a little bit. Change up the feel during the 3-4 lines with some simple strums on the guitar it may give it a stronger emotional pull on the listener.
Thanks for sharing. Happy Songwriting ♫
May 23, 2017
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Better Life
Verse 1:
I remember daddy telling stories of those days when he was young
When he was made to go to church each Sunday though he never wanted to.
They told him he should listen to the preacher read the Bible and pray unto the holy God above
But he had no desire for his heart was not on fire he was dreaming of a life outside the pew.
Chorus:
He said, “I am moving onward to a better life
Where I've been told there's better things to find.
This life that I've been living ain't what I'm looking for
I'm ready now to leave it all behind
For I have got a better life in mind.”
Verse 2:
So when he got older he left home to go out on the crooked way
But all his sinful living left him lying there in need of something more.
But then he met a woman and he saw that she was different. He asked her what it was she had inside.
She told him of the Savior and the mercy that He gave her and he finally found what he'd been looking for.
(Chorus:)
Verse 3:
Now I'll always remember when the cancer finally took all that he had.
It was a long hard battle that he fought but never had a chance to win.
And as the tears flowed swiftly down my cheeks he gave a smile and with his hand he wiped my tears away.
He said I needn't worry for his soul was in a hurry to be with the One Who took away his sin
(Chorus:)
0
Hey, Graham! Thanks for sharing your song with us. I like the idea of the song. I like songs like this that bring a different meaning to the chorus each time. I like that it ends positively (even if it’s bittersweet).
I wonder, though, if this tempo feel sits uncomfortably with the cancer verse. It just lands on my ears too bluntly. I wonder if there’s a way to soften that. After all, this is your dad, and it doesn’t feel (to me) that YOU feel much about his death from cancer. Yes, he’s going on to a better life, but it’s still heartbreaking. I don’t feel that. Just my initial reaction.
I hope this has been helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 14, 2017
0
Thank you for the feedback!
It is not actually about my dad (I changed the description to specify that), so perhaps that is why it comes through that way. I just felt the story worked best being told from the kid’s point of view.
I am not sure how I could change the feel of the last verse. Maybe that is something that can be done well with a full band where certain instruments could drop off or something. Bluegrass music is not overly conducive to changing the feel from verse to verse.
What if the song was told by the main character instead of the child. If it was coming from the mouth of the man himself instead of the child, maybe it would fit better?
Will definitely try to give others feedback as well!
May 15, 2017
0
Good stuff Graham! I really like how you incorporated the twist from each verse into the chorus…really cool!
Gotta say I totally get Brent’s point above though…maybe it’s because cancer itself is such a touchy subject and many people have lost a loved one to it, family or friend, etc. Maybe it would work better if it wasn’t cancer? Don’t even name the disease, just change up the first line in some way? Just a thought.
Hope this helps!
May 17, 2017
0
Hi Graham, It was refreshing to hear something different today.
Bluegrass with a little touch of folk thrown in there. Cool. My brain was playing along with an upright bass, fiddle, banjo, mandolin and background vocals but that’s just me. What I heard was enough to carry me through the song.
Here’s what I’m thinking. If you rework that third verse a little bit. Change up the feel during the 3-4 lines with some simple strums on the guitar it may give it a stronger emotional pull on the listener.
Thanks for sharing. Happy Songwriting ♫
May 23, 2017
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Hey, Graham! Thanks for sharing your song with us. I like the idea of the song. I like songs like this that bring a different meaning to the chorus each time. I like that it ends positively (even if it’s bittersweet).
I wonder, though, if this tempo feel sits uncomfortably with the cancer verse. It just lands on my ears too bluntly. I wonder if there’s a way to soften that. After all, this is your dad, and it doesn’t feel (to me) that YOU feel much about his death from cancer. Yes, he’s going on to a better life, but it’s still heartbreaking. I don’t feel that. Just my initial reaction.
I hope this has been helpful. Please pay it forward by leaving a comment on another writer’s song. Thanks!
May 14, 2017
No members have liked this comment.