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Forgiveness

Brian Blevins

May 14, 2017

Genre: Country

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About This Song


one of the first tunes i wrote. well sorta. it isn't finished. i started it and then we moved so it has been on the shelf. still working on the lyrics. the track i recorded also has an idea of the vocal melody played on piano.

Feedback Requested


any and all feedback welcome.


6 Responses


Sean Kasey

Hey Brian,

I’d be really interested to hear this with a vocal track.  It’s hard to really hear exactly what it would sound like and then give any meaningful feedback as it is.  I do like the lyrics and the overall feel of the track though - it’s certainly worth continuing to work on I think.

The one thing I would suggest (based on the piano) is perhaps drop the melody in the third line of the chorus.  The first three lines are very similar and a good rule of composition is to repeat a phrase once to establish a pattern and then break that pattern the third time to create contrast and keep the listener engaged.  The fourth line is strong I think and I like that it starts low and moves back up.  I would maybe find a way to keep the first part of that phrase but then somehow make the second half match the first two lines to reestablish the pattern.

I’m no expert by any means, just something I’ve begun to pick up.

Keep working on this one!

May 17, 2017

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Ronnie Glenn

I really, really like this song Brian. My only suggestion at this point would be to rearrange what you have written to make it commercially appealing. 

The song title Forgiveness isn’t original as you probably already know. That’s no big deal in this case but what you have is a different look on the subject matter. That makes it original in it’s content. 

Note: You only mention the word forgiveness a total of 3 times if I’m following the pattern right. I still didn’t see your hook or feel it during the song.

The piano melody you added is a nice touch. It does help with the flow of the lyric when reading. I was trying to sing along with it.  My phrasing and take on it was a little different than what you have in mind I’m sure.

Thanks for sharing!
Happy Songwriting ♫♪ ♪

May 17, 2017

No members have liked this comment.

Brian Blevins

Thanks Sean and Ronnie,

Sean when you say ‘drop’ do you mean goes from higher notes to lower notes or cut/remove?

This is an idea I started then moved.  Other than the track, I am pretty sure those words and melody are the first things I came up with.  I will work on more then.

Thanks for the tips guys.

Brian

May 17, 2017

No members have liked this comment.

Jeffrey. J. Duplechain

Didn’t mean to upset you dude.I will not comment on any of your songs again.

May 22, 2017

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Jeffrey. J. Duplechain

Ok Brian now you just being ugly.I said I was sorry and I will try to be more constructive in my comments but you need to chill out and get back to writing.

May 22, 2017

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Robert Lloyd

Also, I’m a tenor/baritone and this would be impossible for me or most men to sing. Maybe some females could sing in this range. By the way, I like the arrangement of the soundtrack… very well done Brian!

May 27, 2017

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Sean Kasey

Hey Brian,

I’d be really interested to hear this with a vocal track.  It’s hard to really hear exactly what it would sound like and then give any meaningful feedback as it is.  I do like the lyrics and the overall feel of the track though - it’s certainly worth continuing to work on I think.

The one thing I would suggest (based on the piano) is perhaps drop the melody in the third line of the chorus.  The first three lines are very similar and a good rule of composition is to repeat a phrase once to establish a pattern and then break that pattern the third time to create contrast and keep the listener engaged.  The fourth line is strong I think and I like that it starts low and moves back up.  I would maybe find a way to keep the first part of that phrase but then somehow make the second half match the first two lines to reestablish the pattern.

I’m no expert by any means, just something I’ve begun to pick up.

Keep working on this one!

May 17, 2017

0

Ronnie Glenn

I really, really like this song Brian. My only suggestion at this point would be to rearrange what you have written to make it commercially appealing. 

The song title Forgiveness isn’t original as you probably already know. That’s no big deal in this case but what you have is a different look on the subject matter. That makes it original in it’s content. 

Note: You only mention the word forgiveness a total of 3 times if I’m following the pattern right. I still didn’t see your hook or feel it during the song.

The piano melody you added is a nice touch. It does help with the flow of the lyric when reading. I was trying to sing along with it.  My phrasing and take on it was a little different than what you have in mind I’m sure.

Thanks for sharing!
Happy Songwriting ♫♪ ♪

May 17, 2017

0

Brian Blevins

Thanks Sean and Ronnie,

Sean when you say ‘drop’ do you mean goes from higher notes to lower notes or cut/remove?

This is an idea I started then moved.  Other than the track, I am pretty sure those words and melody are the first things I came up with.  I will work on more then.

Thanks for the tips guys.

Brian

May 17, 2017

0

Jeffrey. J. Duplechain

Didn’t mean to upset you dude.I will not comment on any of your songs again.

May 22, 2017

0

Jeffrey. J. Duplechain

Ok Brian now you just being ugly.I said I was sorry and I will try to be more constructive in my comments but you need to chill out and get back to writing.

May 22, 2017

0

Robert Lloyd

Also, I’m a tenor/baritone and this would be impossible for me or most men to sing. Maybe some females could sing in this range. By the way, I like the arrangement of the soundtrack… very well done Brian!

May 27, 2017



It's not hard to cast stones once the damage is done
With each hit the heart chips away
Suffocating spaces grow to bitter places
Overwhelmed by the weight of what we didn't say

Love can light the way through this

Ch

It takes Forgiveness to rebuild the trust
Then it takes forgetting and if that's not enough
Find the courage within us to accept how we feel
We will find love again once the wounds heal

We were fools in our love with a wisdom so young
Just one slip and it all came unwound
Then mistrust had its way by wearing us down
People once so strong in pieces on the ground

Yes Love can lead the way through this

Ch

Bridge

How do you know you have truly forgiven? or (How do you forge/find the path to Forgiveness?)
You must begin by being unchained from within
So set your heart free from the anger it bleeds
These are the keys to pain's prison

Solo
Chorus

© 2015 Brian Blevins, all rights reserved

pain's prison=terrible. is this the 80s?

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